Bizarre Encounters With …

27916590 (2)
Elvis Drives A Flying Saucer

We’re all familiar with the claims that Elvis may have faked his death , and that there have been periodic sightings of him ever since. But , according to Wilbur Stump , of Las Vegas , Nevada , not only is Elvis alive and well , but living on an alien spaceship , which he drives around the Mojave desert , mostly at night.
The reason for these nocturnal wanderings , according to Stump , is that Elvis was offered the chance to visit an alien world if he faked his death. Stump said that these particular aliens didn’t much care for his music , and by faking his death , he couldn’t make anymore of that awful noise , which to them sounded like a hound dog howling at a siren. They also thought that he dressed like a sissy boy.
Elvis accepted the offer and now travels the desert in his very own UFO that the aliens gave him , spreading their message that they’re here , watching over us , making sure that we don’t do anything stupid , like blow ourselves up , or watch Americas Next Top Model.
I interviewed Stump at a local restaurant. This is what he had to say.
“‘Of course it’s real!’ he said. ‘Do you think I sit here all day and make this stuff up?’
I didn’t answer , afraid I might offend him again.
He looked like an old desert rat , who had spent too much time in the desert sun. His hair was thick and scruffy , with a beard to match , both of which were dirty and full of bits and pieces of tumble weed. His eyes were small and beady , like those of a rat.
Stump sat at a back booth , guzzling bottle after bottle of Lone Wolf beer. The table was littered with empties. He was already as drunk as a skunk , and stank like one , too.
“I remember the first time I saw old Elvis ,’ he said wistfully. “It was August of ’79. The last was ’06. I was nursin’ a bottle of Jack Daniels by a fire , and singin’ Rootin’ Tootin’ Cowboy , while looking for some flowers to water , when all of a sudden I hear Hound Dog by Elvis. It sounded like a radio being played from a distance. It went on for some time , and then stopped like it was turned off. It spooked me. I almost watered my pants. Then , a beam of light shot out of the night sky , and there was Elvis in his frilly , sissy boy outfit. He was singin’ Conjunction Junction from that silly School House Rock cartoon from the seventies. Remember that one?”
He looked at me with drunken contempt and then continued with his tale.
“Elvis stops singin’ his song , and says to me ,’Who loves ya , baby?’
“‘Who are you suppose to be , Telly Saliva?’
“‘No , I’m Elvis Presley , you old fart. What are you doing out here in the dark?’
“‘What’s it look like I’m doin’?’ I says. ‘I’m playin’ with myself , you pecker!’
“‘Whoa! Put that thing away , partner!’
“‘I’m not playin’ with myself , you fool! I’m drunk.’
“I spayed some pee on his leg for calling me an old fart. He glanced at me with contempt , and shook it off.
“‘Hey! Don’t you know who I am?’
“‘Of course I do. You just said so. You’re Elvis. I always suspected you faked your death , and now I know!’
“The insult didn’t phase him one bit. He says ,’Did you know that watching reality shows like Americas Next Top Model , will turn you into a girly boy?’
“‘You must be a regular viewer ,’I says , pointing to his outfit. That insult didn’t bother him either. He droned on like he hadn’t heard me , or didn’t care if someone made fun of the way he dressed.
“‘It’s a known fact that if you watch enough of this crap , next thing you know you’ll be prancing around in a tutu and ballerina slippers.’
“We stared at each other a moment. Finally , I shook my head.
“‘You don’t seem surprised to see me ,’ he says. ‘I could be a fake for all you know.’
“‘You’re no fake. You’re that pecker , Elvis alright.’
“‘Why do you keep calling me pecker?’
“‘Cause you sold out!’ I says. ‘You sold your soul to the aliens. You don’t need to watch Americas Next Top Model , or The Tyra Show. You’ve been a girly boy all your life!’
“‘I ain’t no girly boy , you wrinkled old fart!’
“‘Oh yeah? Then what’s with that silly lookin’ outfit? Only girly boys wear outfits like that!’
“He shook his head , lookin’ at me like I was crazy. Like he thought I was the crazy one. Can you believe it?’
“‘I got news for you , baby ,’ he says. ‘You are crazier than a bed bug in June. I’m not the real Elvis. I’m an impersonator doing a show at the Spritz. I have to go now. Who loves ya , baby?’
The beam of light returned and took him back into the sky.
“‘Come back here , you pecker!’ I shouted , shakin’ my fist at the sky. ‘Elvis impersonator , my ass! And stop callin’ me an old fart!’


The Man Who Wasn’t There

Today I saw a man who wasn’t there ,
he looked like my father ,
same eyes ,
same smile ,
same tousled hair ,
he looked my way ,
and seemed to see right through me as if I wasn’t there ,
I just stood and stared.

It wasn’t the first time I’d seen my father ,
I’d seen him many times before ,
the last time I’d seen him was the day he walked out the door.

The Hour Before Dawn

The hour before dawn ,
when dark things creep ,
things unknown ,
things unseen ,
they come in dreams ,
they make you scream.

Memories Of My Life/3

When I was twelve , thirteen years old , I was a basketball player and fan. I liked the Lakers , and the UCLA Bruins. I remember staying up late Fridays and Saturdays to watch Bruins basketball , when mom and dad were next door playing games with Dorothy and Stan. I would also watch Alfred Hitchcock Presents , and The Sixth Sense , a mystery about a psychic investigator.
While watching Hitchcock , and The Sixth Sense , my imagination often ran wild. Sometimes I would hear footsteps on the front porch , and sounds of the house settling , became sounds of someone knocking or scratching , or trying to break in. I even thought that I could see movement from the corners of my eyes , and was afraid that someone or something was watching me from the darkness of the hallway , peeking at me around the furnace.
During one of these nights , while watching something scary , I heard a scream. I nearly jumped through the ceiling. It hadn’t come from the television. It came from next door. Later , mom told me that it was Dana Grinter. Apparently , she had awakened during the night to discover that her sister , Dawn , was not there. She had spent the night at a friends. Maybe Dana thought the Bogeyman had gotten her.