The Roseanne Show

This crazy story is part of a series of stories on celebrities , all of which I wrote several years ago , and then lost. I’ve never been too fond of some celebrities. To me , their egos often out weigh their pay checks ( case in point : Kanye West. Here’s a perfect example of a celebrity with a swelled head ). Nor do I spend my time watching those celebrity news rags like ET , which , in my opinion , can easily induce narcolepsy , and deep states of catatonia. So , beware! Next time you watch one of these , you may fall into a coma from which you may never awaken. I do , however , like to make fun of celebrities , and this is how I do it. It’s certainly the most enjoyable. I know these stories are ridiculous , but I don’t care. I have fun writing them. Disclaimer : Any similarity between celebrities and characters in this story , is purely coincidental , and meant to be ridiculous.

roseanne-745995In 1988 , ABC debuted the Roseanne Show , a weekly sitcom about a fat , loud mouthed waitress with a voice that could shatter glass. It ran for nine seasons , and was highly successful in the ratings , becoming the most watched show from 1989 to 1990. Recently , some of the shows cast got together for a reunion … without Roseanne. I attended the reunion and talked with some of the former cast members , John Goodman , Sara Gilbert , and  Michael O’Keefe.

Behind The Scenes Of The Roseanne The Sitcom , With John Goodman , Sara Gilbert , and Michael O’Keefe

“What most people don’t know about Roseanne ,” said John , “Is that she was not that different from her character on the show. On the show she was portrayed as a loud mouth , annoying bitch , but in real life , she was much worse , and we all saw just how worse she was , plenty of times. And that’s why nobody liked her , because she was a loud mouth and a bitch , including a few other things. She had the biggest mouth of anybody I’ve ever known. She never talked like a normal person , in a normal tone like everyone else. She was always screaming. It was so irritating to have to listen to her talk. Her voice sounded like someone scraping a chalk board with their finger nails. You couldn’t help but cover your ears , and pray for it to stop. God knows I did plenty of times. Her voice could make your ears ring , and shatter glass , not to mention your ear drums. If someone had measured the decibel level of her voice , I wouldn’t be surprised if it was louder than a jet engine.”

Roseanne The Big Mouth

“I couldn’t stand her for several reasons ,” Sara said. “She was a bitch , a loud mouth , a glutton , and a slob , all rolled into one. She was always screaming at everybody , telling us what do. We had to do whatever she told us to , and not just us , but everyone who worked on the show , because she was too lazy to do anything for herself. We had to wait on her hand and foot. She thought of herself as a Big Star , and everyone else as her personal slaves. If someone didn’t snap right to it  , there were consequences to pay. If someone didn’t do what she told them to do , she would threaten to sit on them , making pancakes out of them. She loved eating pancakes , and she loved making pancakes out of people who didn’t do what she told them to. She was like five hundred pounds during the first few seasons of the show. And no one wanted to get sat on by someone that huge. It was like being sat on by Henrietta Hippo.

“Not only was she the star of the show , but our boss as well , so we had to do whatever she told us to do. We could get fired , or get sat on. All of us had been sat on at least once since the show started , and we didn’t want to get sat on again , so we had to do whatever she told us to do , whether it was to bring her a newspaper , or get her something to eat. Usually , it was to get her something to eat.

“Sometimes someone would have the balls to mouth off to her , or tell her no , and they were the ones who got sat on again and again. Some people just never learned that Roseanne didn’t take no for an answer , and if you knew what was good for you , you didn’t dare mouth off to her , or you would be made into a pancake. Most of us learned our lesson the hard way. We learned not to mouth off to her again , because if we did , we would be made into pancakes , and none of us wanted to be made into pancakes again.

“I was one of the few that got sat on more than once , because I was a stupid twelve-year-old kid in those days , and didn’t let anybody tell me what to do , or push me around. My attitude sometimes got me into trouble , and when Roseanne was around , it seemed to get me into trouble more often than not.

“The first time I got sat on , we literally bumped into each other in the corridor , back stage , during a break in tapping. This was during the first season , so I had no idea yet that Roseanne liked making pancakes out of people who upset her. All I really knew at the time was that she had a loud , annoying voice , like an ear-piercing scream that could literally make your ears bleed , and even cause hearing loss.

” ‘Hey!’ she screamed. ‘Watch where you’re goin’, will ya?!’

“I was watching where I was going , but she wasn’t. She had her fat nose stuck in a script , practicing her lines for an up coming episode.

” ‘Watch where you’re going!’ I said.

” ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed even louder.

” ‘You heard me!’ “

‘You better watch what you say , kid , or else!’

” ‘Or else what?’

” ‘Or I’ll sit on ya’! That’s what!’ “

‘You can’t sit on me!’ I said. ‘I’m just a kid. You could get in trouble for that.’

” ‘I won’t get in trouble! I’m a star! I can do anything I want!’

” ‘No , you can’t. You wouldn’t dare sit on me!’

” ‘Oh yeah?! Watch me!’ She shoved me hard and I landed on my back. Then she launched herself on top of me , screaming , ‘Pancake!’

“I let out a startled ‘Ooof!’ My eyes popped out of my head , and I felt all the wind rush out of me. I was gasping for air , trying not to hyperventilate , afraid that I might pass out. The pain was excruciating. It felt like I had been run over by a bus. Like Dumbo had dropped out of the sky and landed on me.

” ‘Are you gonna watch where you’re goin’ next time?!’ she screamed.

” ‘Yes , yes!’ I said , gasping for breath.  ‘Get off me!’

” ‘Are you gonna tell anybody I sat on ya?!’

” ‘No , I won’t tell anybody! I promise!’

” ‘You better not tell anybody!’ she screamed. ‘If you do , I’ll sit on them , and then I’ll sit on you again! Understand!?’

” ‘Yes , I hear you! Now get off me before you kill me!’

“That was the first time she sat on me. I didn’t think she would actually do it. God , was I wrong!

“I was alright. Thank God I didn’t have any broken bones , or anything. But I sure had the wind knocked out of me , and I was sore all over for days.”

Roseanne The Slob

Said John ,  “She was always eating , always stuffing her face. I don’t think I ever saw her without food on the set , or anywhere in the studio. It didn’t matter what it was. You name it , she ate it. Candy , cookies , chips , pizza , hamburgers , fries. Whatever it was , she was always stuffing it into that maw she called a mouth. Even gum. She would stuff gobs and gobs of it into her big mouth , until it looked like her checks were going to explode.”

“She constantly stuffed her face all over the studio ,” Sara added. “During rehearsal , during taping , in the cafeteria , in her dressing room , and even in the restroom while she was on the toilet , for God sake! And she would throw her trash on the floor for someone else to pick up. There were signs posted all over the studio , asking that people pick up after themselves , and throw their trash away. But Roseanne completely ignored them. There would be heaps and mounds of trash all over the studio , and trails of empty candy and cookie wrappers , and potato chip bags , burrito packages , and pizza boxes , would be leading in and out of her dressing room , and every other room , including the restroom. If anyone dared to complain to her face , she would scream that it wasn’t her trash , that someone else had left it there to try to get her into trouble.

“Once , she even blamed me for all of her messes. ‘Hey!’ she screamed. ‘Can’t you read the signs?! Don’t you know how to pick up after yourself?! What are you , a slob?!’ ”
‘They’re not my messes!’ I said. ”
‘Well , they’re not mine!’ she screamed.
“Some of us would even complain to management from time to time , but since she was the star of the show , their was really nothing they could do about it.  And because we complained , she would threaten to sit on us if we did it again.

” ‘I don’t have to pick up after myself!’ she would scream. ‘I’m the star of this show , and don’t you forget it!’
“One day I saw a pizza box on the floor next to a trash can , and a half eaten pizza splattered against the wall above it. I knew Roseanne had been responsible for the mess. It couldn’t have been anybody else , since she was the only slob who worked in the studio. Usually , she didn’t like wasting food. She preferred stuffing it down her throat , rather than throwing it away. Obviously she had been too lazy to dump it in the trash , and left it on the wall for someone else to clean up. God , it was gross.”

John : “I remember one day when every toilet in the studio backed up , and mysteriously over flowed , and the whole building was flooded. It was so bad that a plumber had to be called. And do you know what he found? Someone had stuffed candy wrappers in one of the toilets in the lady’s room , for God sake! We had to wait outside while they cleaned up the mess. It was disgusting. We all knew it was Roseanne , but none of us could prove it. Not that she would have gotten into trouble anyway. She was the star of the show. She could do anything she wanted , as she so often reminded us.”

“She drank  as much as she stuffed herself ,” Sara continued. “She was always guzzling beer , washing down whatever she was cramming down her throat , and leaving the empty bottles and cans all over the studio with all of her other trash. She not only left it in the studio , but in her dressing room , as well. There were always dirty dishes lying around , with half eaten rotten food , and there were dirty clothes , and tons of empty beer cans and bottles , piled high on every piece of furniture. And flies were everywhere. God , it was gross.
“I remember one day when Roseanne barged into my dressing room , and screamed ,’Hey Kid! Run down to the liquor store on the corner and get me a six-pack! I feel like gettin’ drunk before the show!’ ”
‘Don’t you know how to knock?’ I said.

 ” ‘I don’t have to knock! I’m a star! Well , are ya gonna get my beer , or not?!’ ”
‘What do I look like? Your personal slave?’
“That’s exactly what I was and she knew it. We were all her personal slaves. If we didn’t do what she told us to do , we would get sat on. If I knew what was good for me , I didn’t dare back talk to her. But once again , my mouth got me into trouble. I knew that I was in danger of getting sat on again , and that she could easily kill me. She had been lucky so far. But I wasn’t going to let her tell me what to do anymore , even if I did get sat on once. So , like the stupid kid I was , I mouthed off to her.
” ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed.
” ‘I’m not your slave. Get it yourself.’
” ‘Alright! Have it your way! You’re about to become a pancake!’
“Before I could say anything , she picked me up as if I were a rag doll , and slammed me down on the floor. Screaming pancake! , she jumped onto me like she was diving into a pool. Once again , all the air was squished out of my lungs , and this time I almost passed out.
” ‘Are ya gonna get my beer now!?’ she screamed.
“‘Yes , yes , I’ll get your beer!’ I moaned. ‘Please get off me!’
” ‘Are you gonna do what I say next time!?’
” ‘Yes , Ok , please get off! You’re going to break my back!’
” ‘Are you gonna tell anybody I sat on ya’ again?!’
” ‘No! please , I’m dying here! Get off before I pass out!’
“She finally let me up. It felt like every bone in my body had been broken. I could barely breathe.
“Finally , after I could breath again , I got Roseanne her beer. But I couldn’t buy it myself. I had to get an old wino to buy it for me.
“That was the second and last time Roseanne sat on me , making a pancake out of me. To make sure it never happened again , I had to do whatever she told me to do.
“Needless to say , I was alright. I had no broken bones , or anything. But once again , I had the wind knocked out of me.

John said ,”We found out what a glutton she was not long after we began tapping the first season of the show. One day we were rehearsing for an episode , when Roseanne suddenly screams ,’Cut! I’m hungry! Somebody get me a pizza!’
“The director told her to wait until she finished with her lines , and then she could have her pizza. But Roseanne wasn’t taking no for an answer. We all knew what happened when someone upset her. They literally had two choices. They could get fired , or get turned into pancakes. And more often than not , they got turned into pancakes , because she liked making pancakes out of people more than she liked eating them.”

“That’s probably why she rarely fired anyone ,” said Sara. “If she got upset and fired everybody , she wouldn’t have anyone left to sit on.”

John continued : “The director wanted Roseanne to continue rehearsing while she waited for her pizza to be delivered. But she didn’t want to continue. She wanted her pizza now , or somebody was going to get sat on. So , we had to wait around and listen to her scream about how hungry she was. When it finally came , she snatched it from the delivery boy , and practically tore open the box.
“Looking at the pizza , she screamed ,’Hey! This pizza has anchovies on it! I didn’t order a pizza with no anchovies! Who’s idea was it to put anchovies on it!? Come here , kid! You’re about to become a pancake!’
“The delivery boy looked terrified , and he had good reason to be. He’d heard all the horror stories that Roseanne liked to sit on people who upset her , and he didn’t want to be made into a pancake. So , with a whimper , he tried to bolt , but Roseanne was too quick for him. She grabbed him by the gruff of his neck and threw him on the floor as easily as if he were a rag doll. And to Roseanne , he was. Then she threw herself on top of him. The poor kids’ eyes bulged obscenely as she landed on him , and he made a strangled , half cry.
” ‘That’ll teach ya not to put anchovies on my pizza!  she screamed.
“We watched in shock and surprise as Roseanne sat on the kid. Then she gobbled the whole pizza in less than twenty seconds. It was like watching Homer Simpson , or Fred Flintstone eat. After she finished with the pizza , she licked her fingers , and her lips like a dog , while looking around for more food. Then she opened a beer , guzzled it down in seconds , and released a huge belch.
” ‘Still sitting on the kid , she screamed ,’I’m still hungry!’
“I felt sorry for the poor kid. But he was alright. He didn’t have any broken bones , or anything. But he sure got the wind knocked out of him.”

“She was always belching and farting ,” John continued.

“But she farted more than she belched ,” Sara added. “God , a whole lot more!  When it came to farting , no place was sacred to Roseanne. She farted all over the studio. Not just in the restroom , and her dressing room , but every other room , including the cafeteria , for God sake! And more often than not , she would do it when others were around her. God , it was gross.”

“There was nowhere in the studio you could go and not hear Roseanne fart ,” said John. “She could be in her dressing room with the door closed , and you could be on the other side of the building , and you could still hear Roseanne fart. That’s how loud it was. You could be in the break room , or the cafeteria  , and all of a sudden , hear a loud popping noise like gun fire , or a car back firing , and right away , you knew it was Roseanne. I don’t know which was worse , the noise , or the smell.
“Sometimes , we would hear a loud trumpet like noise , and we knew it was Roseanne farting. It was like Doomsday Of The Apocalypse. The first time I heard it , I thought the world was coming to an end. Each time , I actually looked up , expecting to see the walls come crashing down on my head , or witness the Second Coming.  And I wasn’t the only one. A lot of people in the studio thought the end had come.
“There were other times when I heard what sounded like a quacking noise. When I first heard it , I thought a flock of ducks or geese had somehow gotten into the studio. Later , someone would tell me they heard it to , and that it had been Roseanne farting.”

Sara : “And there was no place you could go to get away from the stink. It seemed to follow you everywhere. No matter where you were , you could smell it. The instant she farted , it would reach your nostrils in a matter of seconds , like the odor of a skunk.
“Anybody else would have been embarrassed to do it around others , but not Roseanne. Nothing embarrassed her. She was a slob , and didn’t care who knew it.”

“None of us could stand being around her because she farted so much ,” John said. “We were all terrified of getting farted on. Especially me. I had to do some kissing scenes with her , for God sake! We would be rehearsing , or taping , and all of a sudden she would start farting. And we would have to wait until the air cleared , until we could continue.”

Sara : “And the smell was just awful. It was like something had died , only a hundred times worse. It was worse than a rotting corpse. It was the kind of smell that could strip the varnish off wood. The kind of smell that could literally kill. It would be so bad , that stage hands would have  to set up huge fans around the set to blow the stink away. But even that didn’t help much.  The smell just never seemed to want to go away. It would linger for hours , sometimes even days , like it was alive , like it had a mind of its own. Who knows , maybe it did.”

John : “She belched and farted with gusto , and each time she did , she would laugh like it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. Especially when she farted. But we didn’t think it was funny. We thought it was disgusting. We were the ones who had to put up with the smell.”

Sara : “I remember one day I was passing the lady’s room when I heard Roseanne on the toilet. She was talking to herself , while she was doing … you – know – what.
” ‘Here it comes!’ she screamed. ‘Wait for it! Wait for it! Oh God! Look out! It’s a big one!’
“Then I heard the loudest fart I’ve ever heard. It sounded like a machine gun firing. And because she was on the toilet , you could hear it all over the studio. God , it was gross.”

John : “Leaving her garbage everywhere , and farting , weren’t Roseanne’s only bad habits. She had others that were just as disgusting. She also picked her nose , just as much as she farted. And she always picked it during rehearsal , and during taping. Sometimes she would fart and pick , and other times she would pick and then fart. We would be rehearsing , or taping a scene , when all of a sudden she would stick a finger up a hairy nostril , and scream .’Cut! Someone get me a tissue! Now!’
“And , of course , one of us had to get her a tissue , or one of us would get sat on.
“And when she was through with her snot rag , she would throw it on the floor for someone else to pick up.”

“The first time I got sat on ,” Michael said , “I was in the cafeteria having chicken soup and a sandwich for lunch , when Roseanne comes in and orders practically everything on the menu. Her plate was stuffed with food , over flowing , literally dripping down the sides. When her tray couldn’t hold anymore food , she turned and looked for a place to sit. I hoped she wouldn’t notice me , but she spotted me almost instantly , and I swear her beady eyes lit up the moment she saw me.
“She sauntered over , her tray dripping gobs of food onto the floor. With a crap eating grin , she screamed ,’Do you mind if I sit here?!’
“I wanted to tell her no. There were plenty of other tables could have chosen to sit at , bit of course , she had to sit next to me! If I had told her she couldn’t sit there , she would have blown her top , and made a pancake out of me , and I sure as hell didn’t want her sitting on me. She had sat on more than a half a dozen people since the show started. Some more than others. She had been lucky she hadn’t killed anybody so far. But who was to say that I wouldn’t be the first? And I didn’t want to take any chances. So , I said ,’Please … ‘ I paused a moment , staring at her with a terrified look on my face. She stared back with those beady eyes , and the crap eating grin never faltered. I knew she was hoping that I would tell her no , so she would have an excuse to sit on me.
” ‘Please … do ,’ I croaked , gesturing to the chair across from me.
“She was disappointed , just like I knew she would be. Her grin faltered briefly , and then she set down her tray and pulled out the chair.
” ‘Gee! Thanks , Mike!’ she screamed.
“She tried to sit down in the chair , but her butt was too big. She weighed like five hundred pounds , and I knew there was no way she was going to fit into it , without breaking it. She wriggled her butt around , trying to squeeze it in. It creaked and groaned in protest as she struggled to sit down. ” ‘What’s with this chair?!’ she screamed.
“There were a few other people in the cafeteria besides us , and the moment she started bitching about the chair , they all turned to stare at her. Some were struggling to keep a straight face , but none of them were laughing. Which was wise. They knew that Roseanne had a reputation for sitting on people who upset her , but none of them had been sat on … yet.
” ‘What are you people starin’ at?!’ she screamed. She stood up to face them … and the chair stuck to her butt!
“Immediately , they turned back to their lunches , pretending that none of them had been staring at her. I was also staring at her , and struggling not to laugh. When she turned back to me , I quickly put on a straight face. But what happened next , made me lose it completely.
“She tried to pry the chair off her butt , but it wouldn’t budge. She tried several times to dislodge it , but it was clear it wasn’t going to come off. It was stuck tight. It may as well have been glued on. Finally , she gave up trying to get it off.
” ‘I’ve just about had it with this chair!’ she screamed. She was so frustrated that she sat down in it as hard as she could , and the moment the legs hit the floor , it shattered into a million pieces! And that was it for me. I could no longer hold it in.
“Not only did Roseanne squish the chair , making a pancake out of it , but the moment her huge butt made contact with the floor , she let out a humongous fart.
“I not only lost it , but everyone else lost it as well. I never had such a good laugh. I laughed so hard , there were tears streaming from my eyes. I knew that I was in danger of getting sat on for laughing at her , but I couldn’t help myself. The image of Roseanne with the chair stuck to her butt , was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.
“But Roseanne didn’t find it amusing. She was furious , and it was clear that someone was about to get sat on.
” ‘What are you people laughin’ at?! she screamed , and instantly , everyone stopped laughing , including me. There was a moment of silence , in which everyone pretended to be minding their own business again. And then , suddenly , without warning , they all bolted for the door , not daring to look back.
” ‘You better run!’ she screamed.
“She got up off the floor. The crap eating grin was back. I wondered if this was it. Was I going to get sat on? Surely she had heard me laughing at her , and was about to sit on me , making a pancake out of me.  Sweat was dripping down my face. I was starting to regret not bolting with the others. But her attention wasn’t on me. It was on the food on her tray. She picked it up , and buried her face in it , as if she were in a pie eating contest , and gobbled everything down in seconds. Food was smeared all over her face.
“My soup was cold , and I’d only taken a few bites of my sandwich. When Roseanne had come in , I’d suddenly lost my appetite.
“She was staring at me with that crap eating grin again. I tried not to act as nervous as I felt , so I opened my lunch bag and took out the cookie I was planning on eating after lunch. Even though I no longer felt like eating , the moment it touched my lips , it reminded me just how much I had been looking forward to it.
“The moment Roseanne saw the cookie , she screamed ,’Hey! I want that cookie! Give it to me! Now! Or you’re gonna be a pancake!’
“I shook my head , the sweat continuing to pour down my face. It was my favorite kind of cookie. Peanut butter with almonds. I brought one to work every day. I looked forward to it. It was the best part of my lunch. No one was getting my cookie , not even Roseanne. And if she didn’t like it , she could sit on me if she wanted to. I didn’t care. It was worth it.
” ‘No ,’ I managed to croak , probably sounding like Kermit the frog.
” ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed.
“She hurried around the table and lifted me out of the chair by my shirt.
‘Unless you wanna be a pancake!’ she screamed ,’You better give me that cookie!’
“I shook my head again , the cookie hovering near my lips. I could smell the sweet aroma. I could taste the crumbs on my lips. I really wanted that cookie. But Roseanne wanted it more.
“She leaned her face into mine , trying to get the cookie into her mouth , sticking her tongue out , and as she did so , I quickly shoved it into my mouth and chewed it as fast as I could. I almost choked on it. But I managed to swallow it.
“Still leaning forward , her eyes widened. ‘That was a big mistake!’ she screamed. ‘You’re about to become a pancake!’
“She continued leaning forward , until her weight was too much for me to bear. I fell backward , and she landed on top of me , all five hundred pounds of her. God , it was like Shamu had jumped out of his tank at Sea World , and landed on me!  My eyes popped out of my skull , and all of the air rushed from my lungs like a deflated balloon , which is exactly how I felt.
“I could barely utter a sound. All I could manage was a strangled cry. My face was turning blue. Roseanne stared down at me , with that crap eating grin , laughing and farting. God , if her weight didn’t kill me , the smell alone certainly would!
” ‘Are you gonna give me your cookie next time?!’ she screamed.
” ‘Yes!’ I croaked again , this time certain that I sounded like Kermit the frog.
“She finally got off me. I lay there a minute or two , getting the air back into my lungs. I was afraid that she might kill me. I was deathly terrified that I would end up like the chair : every bone in my body shattered into a million pieces. I was alright though , thank God! I had no broken bones — even though it felt like it — but I sure had the wind knocked out of me.”

“One day , during the first season , ” John said , “We threw a party for Laurie Metcalf , who played Roseanne’s sister on the show. Her birthday was coming up , and we wanted to surprise her with a cake and some gifts. Everyone had been invited except Roseanne. We knew that if she had been invited to the party , she would ruin it.  So , we tried to be as quiet as we could , so she wouldn’t hear us. But , before Lori could open the first gift , Roseanne comes storming onto the set , bitching about not being invited to the party. I don’t know how she found out about it. We were as quiet as we could be. I think it was because she could smell the food. Whenever  someone in the studio had food , Roseanne would always come sniffing around like a dog.
” ‘How dare you not invite me to the party!’ she screamed. ‘I oughta sit on all of you for this!’
“She didn’t though. Instead ,  she  snatched the first gift out of Lori’s hands , and tore it open ,  screaming , ‘Gee! Thanks everybody!’ But when she saw what it was , she screamed again. It was a shirt , way too small for Roseanne to fit into. Lori was a small , and Roseanne was like a 10 x extra-large.
” ‘Hey!’ she screamed. ‘I can’t use this!’
“Then she tore open all the other gifts. All of them were clothes , and all of them a hundred times to small for Roseanne.
” ‘I can’t use any of these!’ she screamed. ‘Someone’s about to become a pancake!’
“Next , she gobbled up the cookies , and candy , devouring everything in just a matter of seconds. Then she grabbed the cake and buried her face in it  , as if she were in a pie eating contest , and devoured it , also in a matter of seconds. When she was finished with cake , she sat on all of the balloons , one at a time , making pancakes out of each one. Last , but certainly not least , she sat on Lori , making a pancake out of her.
“The moment her big butt made contact with Lori , she ripped out a huge fart.
” ‘That’ll teach ya not to invite me to a party , next time!’ she screamed.
“We all watched in shock as Roseanne ruined the party.  God , we hated her. We wanted to tell her just what we all thought of her , but none of could find the courage to stand up to her. Not just because she was our boss , and the star of the show , but because she was stronger than all of us put together. She could easily pick any of us up like a rag doll , and tear us in half if she wanted to.  But what terrified us the most , was getting sat on and being made into pancakes.”

“During the second season , ” said Sara , “Roseanne hired Tom Arnold as a writer for the show.  And it was clear from the start , that she liked him , because a year later , they were married.  He had no idea what she was like when she hired him. If he had known , he would have refused to work for her , and he certainly never would have married her.
“He saw with his own eyes what she was like.  He’d seen her sit on people who upset her , and didn’t do what she told them to. She had even sat on him once , because he had a hamburger one day , at lunch , and wouldn’t give it to her. This was before he knew she liked to sit on people. And that was the first time she sat on him.
“Nobody in their right mind would ever marry Roseanne , and she knew it. Not because she was fat , but because she was a bitch , a glutton , and a slob. No one could be happy with a person like that. Unless they were an idiot.  And Tom Arnold certainly was no idiot , even though he played one on the show.  So , when Roseanne told him that they were getting married — yes , she actually told him! — he had the balls to refuse. And that wasn’t a smart thing to do. Telling Roseanne no , was like a death sentence. If you didn’t want to be made into a pancake , you didn’t say no to her. “When he said no , she blew her top. ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed. ‘You better think about it! You have two choices! You can say yes , or become a pancake! Which is it?!’
“Tom had no choice but to say yes.  Roseanne had sat on him once  , and he didn’t want her sitting on him again.  He hated her , too.  He wanted to tell her how much he despised her , but if he did , Roseanne would have made a pancake out of him again.”

“One day , not long after they were married ,” Sara continued , “Roseanne was having breakfast with Tom’s daughter.  She was eating a pancake. Roseanne had already gobbled her pancakes down in a matter of seconds. So , she sat there watching the girl while she ate , making her feel uncomfortable.
“Roseanne couldn’t stand it when someone around her had food. Whenever she smelled food , she would come sniffing around like a dog. And she always got it , too. If someone had food , and Roseanne wanted it , it was wise to give it to her , because if they didn’t , she would make a pancake out of them. And everyone knew that she liked making pancakes out of people , just as much as she liked eating them.
“As Roseanne watched the girl eat , she hungrily licked her chops like a dog does when it watches you eat. She really wanted that pancake.
” ‘Hey Kid!’ she screamed. ‘I want that pancake! Give it to me! Now! Or I’m gonna make a pancake outta you!’
“The girl was terrified. She’d heard all the stories that Roseanne liked sitting on people who upset her , so she had to give up her pancake , which Roseanne gobbled up in seconds.
“Tom also had a Rottweiler named Butch , who was very protective of his daughter.  He was a big , mean looking dog , but Roseanne was ten times bigger and meaner. When he saw Roseanne stealing the girl’s pancake  , he growled at her.
” ‘What are you growlin’ at?!’ she screamed.
“Butch must have thought twice about  challenging Roseanne. With a whimper , he tried to run to the corner where his dog dish was. But Roseanne was too quick for him. She grabbed him by his collar , threw him on the ground as if he were a Toy Poodle … and squashed  him. Then she got down on the floor   and gobbled up his food  , too , right out of the dog dish , can you believe that?!
” ‘That’s for growlin’ at me!’ she screamed. Then she belched , and let out a humongous fart.
“Poor old Butch was never the same after Roseanne sat on him. She broke one of his legs , and he walked with a permanent limp.
“When Tom found out about it , he was furious. He told Roseanne to get out. He knew he could get sat on again , but he wasn’t going to let Roseanne intimidate him anymore … and that was a big mistake. No one told Roseanne what to do. She was the one who told everyone else what to do.
“Once again , she blew her top. ‘You’re about to become a pancake!’ she screamed.
“Tom tried to run , but Roseanne grabbed him by the back of his shirt , threw him on the floor , and pounced on him. ‘That’s for telling me to get out!’ she screamed , still sitting on him. Then she let out a huge , gigantic fart , and laughed.
“Tom was Ok.  He didn’t have any broken bones , or anything , but he sure had the wind knocked out of him , and as soon as he could , he had their marriage annulled.”

Roseanne The Star

“One day we were taping an episode that was to be the Thanksgiving special ,” said Sara. “The show was a huge success , and Roseanne was a huge star , if you know what I mean. The audience was packed , and eager to see Roseanne. I remember looking out from backstage , and thinking , if these people knew what Roseanne was really like , they wouldn’t be here. Earlier , when we’d been rehearsing the scenes , we’d had to put up with her royal grossness again and again.  She was drunk as usual. Most of the time she would do all her drinking before taping , and be at least moderately sober.  But not this time. Thanksgiving was just a week away , and she wanted to celebrate.
“We had to watch her pick her nose , and scream for tissues , as she examined her finger each and every time. When we did the Thanksgiving dinner scene , you can imagine what she did then.  That’s right , she farted again and again and again , making us all wish we had never come to work that day. Not only were we annoyed and grossed out. So was the director , and everyone else. The stage hands once again had to set the huge fans up , but , as always , the stink took forever to dissipate. Thank God , it finally went away.”

Said John ,”The audience couldn’t wait to see Roseanne. She was a big star. She was the reason they were there. They were there every day for the last two years , chanting her name before every episode was taped. They had no ide what she was like. They had no idea that she liked to sit on people who upset her. They had no idea what a bitch , a glutton , and a slob she was. To them , she was a wonderful person , a big star! That was how the celebrity magazines and TV shows portrayed her.  They didn’t see her the way we did. She had us all terrified. If any of us tried to tell anyone what we knew about her , she would find out about it. Not only would we get fired , but we would get sued. And for good measure , we would get sat on.  And nothing was more terrifying than being sat on by Roseanne. Being fired and sued , paled in comparison.”

Sara : “Everyone cheered when Roseanne was introduced. She was always introduced as the star of the show , probably because she paid them to.  She was not only a bitch , a glutton , and a slob , but she was vain , as well. She not only thought of herself as a star , but she thought of herself as the Biggest Star In Hollywood.  There were times when she came to work wearing sun glasses , and a fur coat that was like five times too small for her.  I don’t know how she managed to fit into it , but she looked ridiculous. She never wore it on stage , when they introduced her. If she had , I think everybody would have laughed.
“Looking out at the audience , Roseanne screamed ,’Thanks for comin’ everybody! Today , we’re shootin’ our Thanksgiving Day special! I hope you like it!’
“She tried to bow , but she was so drunk  , she almost fell over. The audience snickered nervously , probably wondering if it was staged or not.  They didn’t know she was drunk. But we knew , and we all silently prayed that she wouldn’t ruin the show , like she ruined everything else. But when it came to Roseanne , we knew that hoping and praying didn’t do any good. She did whatever she wanted to do , and if anyone didn’t like it , they could get sat on.”

She continued , “We were able to get through the first half hour  , without Roseanne embarrassing us. The director kept bringing her cups of coffee , during breaks , and she actually drank a couple , and sobered up a little.  I was beginning to think that maybe we could finish taping the special without any embarrassing incidents. But when he tried to give her a third cup , that’s where  my wishful thinking took a nose dive into the toilet.
” ‘I don’t want anymore coffee!’ she screamed. ‘I’ve had enough coffee! Somebody get me another beer! Now!  Or so help me God , someone is about to become  a pancake!’
“Michael  Fishman , who played D.J. on the show , volunteered to run to her dressing room , to get her a beer.  He’d been one of the first to get sat on , because he was even more of a smart mouth than I was , and after Roseanne sat on him the first and only time , she hadn’t  broken any of his bones , but she had broken his spirit.  He was more terrified of her than the rest of us were.
“When he came back a minute later , he had a whole six – pack.  She snatched a beer out of his hands , tore off the cap with her teeth , and guzzled it down in seconds. Then she let out a humongous belch.
“We did the Thanksgiving dinner scene next , and that’s when everything went into the toilet … literally.
“The table was overflowing with food. Everything you would expect for Thanksgiving. But not pancakes. There were huge stacks of them. I don’t know who’s idea it was to include them , but I knew it couldn’t be a good thing. Eating anything around Roseanne was a bad idea , but pancakes even more so. Because we all knew she liked eating them , just as much as she liked making  pancakes out of people who upset her.
“Earlier , when  we’d rehearsed the scene , Roseanne had barely been able to contain herself. She had actually exercised some self-restraint. But when we began taping it  , Roseanne’s self-control flew right out the window.
“When she saw the pancakes , her eyes widened with joy , and slobber dribbled down her chin. ‘Nobody touches these pancakes!’ she screamed. ‘They’re all mine!’
“The audience laughed , thinking it was part of the show , but it wasn’t. Roseanne was just being her normal self :  a glutton.
“She tore a leg off the turkey , and shoved it in her big mouth , trimming all the meat from it in seconds , leaving nothing but the bone. Her cheeks were bulging like a squirrel with a mouth full of nuts. She barely chewed any of it , before swallowing it whole.
“Then , she poured gobs of syrup on the pancakes and gobbled them up  , all four stacks of them , one at a time. We watched in disgust as she shoveled them down her throat , like she was in a pie eating contest. She didn’t even bother using a knife and a fork. She just picked up each stack like it was one huge sandwich , and crammed it whole , down her throat.  Her mouth was smeared  and dripping with syrup.  She looked like an over grown baby after its fed itself.  When she finished the last stack , she opened another beer with her teeth , guzzled it down in seconds , and threw it on the floor , beside her chair , where it shattered to pieces.
“Then she let out a huge belch , an even louder fart , and then laughed.
“I thought the audience would laugh along with her  , but they didn’t. They were shocked. They had never seen Roseanne behave that way before. But we did. I thought she would be embarrassed to fart in front of a studio audience , but apparently I was wrong. It didn’t embarrass her to fart around us , whether she was drunk or not. Why would an audience full of people be any different? Roseanne was a slob , and didn’t care who knew it.
” ‘Who wants turkey?!’ she screamed.
“No one raised their hand , or said anything.  Because we all knew she wasn’t about to share any of it. But what happened next , shocked me more than all of her disgusting behavior.  Roseanne snatched up the turkey , shoved a hand up its hole , removed the stuffing , and gobbled it right out of her hand.
“That wasn’t what shocked me , though.  I’d seen her do worse things. What shocked me , was that she actually shared some of the turkey  — in her own disgusting way.  I thought she would gobble it all down in seconds , like she did with the pancakes , and the stuffing. She tore off chunks of the turkey  , and plopped them down on each of our plates.  Then she did the same with handfuls of the extra stuffing.
“None of us wanted to eat the slop that was on our plates ,  because we knew where her fingers had been. Up her nostrils , and only God knew where else.
“The audience was even more shocked by her behavior than we were. As she had devoured the pancakes , and stuck her hand up the turkeys butt , I heard people screaming Oh my God , and making retching noises.  It would have been funny , if it hadn’t been so bizarre. But no one laughed.  No one thought it was funny. And  it didn’t bother Roseanne in the least if people thought she was a slob. She didn’t care who knew it.
” ‘Happy Thanksgiving , everybody!’ she screamed , tore open another bear , downed it in seconds , and smashed it beside her chair , with the other one. Then she let out another huge belch , and an even louder fart than the last one.  As she went to sit down in her chair — which had a wide bottom , because she was afraid her rear end might get stuck again — it crumbled to pieces under her huge butt. And I mean pieces. It turned to dust. There was nothing left of that poor chair. It just disintegrated. The second her butt hit the floor , she let loose with another humongous fart. It was the loudest one so far , and even though the audience was as disgusted and shocked as we were , this time they did laugh. Some people were laughing so hard , they were actually rolling in the aisles.
“Roseanne didn’t find any of it amusing. It was the second chair she had destroyed. Once again , she flipped her lid.
‘Whoever put this chair here , is about to become a pancake!’ she screamed. She was the one who had put the chair there , and as much as all of us would have liked it , she couldn’t sit on herself.
“Even though she weighed five hundred pounds , she was as nimble as a cat.  She leaped to her feet as quick as if she were sitting on a spring. She glared at the audience. ‘What are you people laughin’ at?!’ she screamed. I thought they would all shut up when she screamed at them , but they laughed even harder. Some people were laughing so hard , they were crying.
“Roseanne made a threatening move toward the audience.  She got only a few steps , and then her eyes widened , and she started sniffing like a dog does when it smells food on the wind. I looked into the audience , and saw a little kid with an enormous ice cream cone. He must have been eight or nine. He was the only one who wasn’t laughing.  He was eating his ice cream cone with slow , deliberate licks. When Roseanne spotted him , she screamed ,’Hey Kid! Don’t you know you’re not supposed to have food in the studio?!’
“That wasn’t exactly true. Roseanne just didn’t like it whenever someone around her had food. When she started screaming at the kid , everyone stopped laughing.
‘I want that Ice cream cone Kid! Give it to me! Now! Or I’m gonna make a pancake outta you!’
“The kid stopped licking his ice cream cone , and looked at the chair that Roseanne had pulverized. He seemed to be considering whether he should give up his ice cream cone or not. He looked at her and the chair several times. Then he slowly resumed licking his ice cream cone. I guess he decided that it was all a part of the show. Poor kid , I thought , Roseanne’s going to make a pancake out of him.
” ‘I’ll give you one more chance , kid!’ she screamed. ‘Ice cream cone , or pancake! Which is it?!’
“The kid didn’t say anything. He just kept licking his ice cream , slow and deliberate , practically asking Roseanne to make a pancake out of him. It was clear how much he wanted it , but Roseanne wanted it more. And when Roseanne wanted something , it was wise to give it to her.
” ‘Alright , kid!’ she screamed. ‘I warned you! Now I’m gonna make a pancake outta you!’
“Roseanne started toward the kid , screaming pancake over and over. The moment she began bearing down on him like a Sherman tank , the kid’s expression changed from contentment , to shock and surprise. It wasn’t staged , after all. Roseanne was actually going to squash him , and he knew it. The audience knew it too. Like rats deserting a sinking ship , people panicked , and began scrambling over each other to get out of Roseanne’s way.
“She charged the kid like a raging bull , ripping up seats to get to him , all the while screaming pancake. Everyone around the kid had somehow managed to get out of her way without anyone getting trampled on , by others , or by Roseanne. The entire audience had somehow managed to gather at one side of the stage , where they stood watching in shock. Some were screaming for him to run , but the kid just sat there , frozen in terror in his seat , staring  at Roseanne. He was crying now. Strings of snot dripped from his nose. The poor kid was doomed. In a matter of seconds , he would be a pancake.
“Ripping out the last seat and tossing it aside , as if it were a toy , Roseanne screamed , ‘You should have given me that ice cream cone , Kid! Now you’re gonna be a pancake!’
“The kid made a feeble attempt to offer the cone to her , his entire face quivering as he sobbed. But Roseanne ignored the gesture. Screaming pancake , she launched herself at him , and … splat!  The moment she threw herself on top of him , I wanted to cover my eyes. I had never seen her sit on anyone before.  It was horrifying.  Then she picked up what was left of the ice cream cone and gobbled it down in seconds.
“After licking her fingers , she sniffed around for more food , and screamed , ‘I’m still hungry!’ Then she belched enormously , and let out a humongous fart.
“The kid wasn’t moving. I knew right then that something was wrong. It was obvious he was dead.  Of all the people that Roseanne had sat on , she had never killed anybody. But this time , she had gone too far.  She had made a permanent  pancake out of him. Not only had she made a pancake out of the kid , but the seat he had been sitting in. It was completely pulverized , like the other two chairs she had destroyed.
“After the kid had been permanently ground into his  seat , someone finally called the police. Roseanne was arrested , put in handcuffs that barely fit around her wrists , all the while screaming that she was innocent , that one of us had killed the kid and framed her.
“They had to scrape the poor kid from his seat. There was practically nothing left of him. Roseanne had sat on him without realizing the consequences of her actions , and after doing so , had showed no remorse. She kept screaming that she was innocent. She was sentenced to only three months in a sanitarium for rich people , instead of spending time in a real jail ,  where she belonged. Obviously , she had paid her attorneys to keep her out. “We all hated her , and were glad that she was gone , even if it was for just a few months. During that time , we didn’t have to put up with her grossness anymore. We didn’t have to listen to her scream , or watch her pick her nose. We didn’t have to listen to her gross farting noises , or see her disgusting messes all over the place. But most important of all , we didn’t have to live with the constant fear of getting sat on. “One day , we were all called back to the studio.  At the time  , we had no idea that Roseanne had only spent three months in a sanitarium. We all believed that she had gone to jail. We thought the show would be cancelled. None of us wanted to continue doing it after what Roseanne had done to that poor kid. But we couldn’t just up and quit. So , after three long , blissfully quiet months , when I heard Roseanne’s loud mouth screaming ,’I’m back! Who wants to get sat on first?!’ I thought , please God , not again!

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#farts, #john-goodman, #roseanne, #sarah-gilbert, #voice

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews / Psychic Farts , by John Edward

29857128 (2) Authors note : “It was the worst fart I have ever encountered ,” said Edward after solving the mystery. “I was so frightened my hair has been standing on end ever since. I’ve tried everything to straighten it out , but nothing works , not even Brill Cream!”

How psychic John Edward solved the mystery of the dead celebrity who cut the cheese. The book stayed at number one for a record , wind breaking one hundred and twelve weeks , despite the fact that it was bashed by psychic debunker , James Randy. Mr. Randy , a well – known magician , had previously offered a one million dollar reward to anyone who can prove that psychic phenomena actually exists.
To this day , the reward has remained unclaimed.
“He’s a phony , and I can prove it ,” claimed Mr. Randy soon after the book was published. “The only fart he detected was his own.”

#brill-cream, #farts, #flatulence, #psychic-john-edward

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews / 2001: A Space Fart , by Stanley Kubrick , 2002: A Space Fart , Part 2 , by Arthur C. Clarke

Arthur C. Clarke

Arthur C. Clarke

From the director of the first Space Odyssey film , the unauthorized biography of the late science fiction writer , Arthur C. Clarke , author of the book that was made into a moderately successful film. Also contains the short story , A Space Fart , the tale of a lonely fart named Rip , drifting through the universe.
Kubrick never mentioned who the character Rip was based on , but Clarke was sure it was himself , and threatened to sue if the book was not removed from publication.
Kubrick refused , and the two who had been long time friends , headed for court.
“He can deny it all he wants!” Clarke complained on the Larry King Show. “I know Rip is supposed to be my fart , God damn it!”
The judge residing over the case thought the whole thing was ridiculous and laughable , and dismissed it. Clarke responded by writing his own book about Kubrick.

2002 : A Space Fart

The continuing saga of Rips lonely journey through the cosmos , this time with Kubrick in the role as Rip.

#clarke, #flatulence, #kubrick, #space-fart

Celebrity Farts Book Reviews / My Secret Life As A Woman , by Max Weinberg

These are imaginary reviews of imaginary books by celebrities. Like some people , I’ve never been too crazy about celebrities. Their egos far outweigh their pay checks. Nor do I spend my time watching those ridiculous celebrity news magazines like ET ( unless it’s to make fun of them ) , which in my opinion can easily induce narcolepsy , and deep states of catatonia. So , beware. Next time you watch one of these shows , you just may fall into a coma without realizing it , and from which you may never wake up.

32042622 (3) The unauthorized biography of Conan O’Brien , the king of late night comedy.
The book covers in extensive detail , Conan’s alleged secret fantasies of being a woman , his cross dressing behind the scenes of Late Night , and his alleged affair with Tom Jones , who had no idea that it was really Conan in drag as his sister , Connie.
In a recent interview , Jones denied the affair , claiming that Weinberg — a long time drummer for Bruce Springsteen — made the whole thing up , just to gain notoriety.
Weinberg responded to the allegation with his own statement : ‘Hey! I’m drummer for The Boss! I don’t need no stinking notoriety! Whatever that is.’
O’Brien also gave a statement to the press : ‘That wasn’t very nice of you , Max. But I forgive you. Hey! Why don’t I set you up on a date with my sister , Connie? She looks exactly like me!’

#conan-obrien

Magic Forest/Secret Lives Of Trees

picasabackground-14.jpg Woods and forests are magical places. There are secrets hidden in the trees , the under growth , beneath the soil , and under rocks.
I believe that woods and forests , especially trees , have secret lives of their own. They speak to each other. They laugh. They sing and dance , and celebrate life. They give praise to the Creator. And mourn when one of their own dies.
Who knows what may exist in such places. Other creatures besides animals. Perhaps beings once believed to be magical : fairies , gnomes , whatever you choose to name them.

When I was young , there was a place I used to go to that only I knew about. It was peaceful and quiet. A place to escape from my pain. There were trees in a clearing , with a lake in the middle. On the trees I carved my name. Now that I am grown , I wander and roam , but in my mind I always return to that place that helped me escape my pain.

#escape-celebrate, #forest, #magic, #magical-places, #trees