Letter To Jackie

Dear Jackie ,

I was sorry to hear about what happened to you. When I saw the picture of you that your brother posted on my page , it was heart breaking.
Life sucks. It blows. It hands you a lemon when you want a cookie.
I want a cookie every day. But I can’t have a cookie every day. With my condition , I shouldn’t be eating anything sweet. What am I talking about? I have A Fib ( irregular heart beat , a form of heart disease ) , and type two diabetes. Of the two , having diabetes sucks the most. It scares me the most , because of the complications that go along with it. I’m  eating healthier now , and have been feeling so much better because of it. My blood sugar was peaking for so long , and I felt so awful almost daily for about six months. If I could go back to when it started , and just realized what was causing me to feel that way , and changed my diet , I would.  Every day , I regret not doing that. I kick myself in the balls every day. I have no one to blame but myself.
I take my medication (except for metformin , I don’t need that anymore) every day , and try to live with it. But it’s not easy. Sometimes , I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ve even considered a combination of sleeping pills and alcohol. Just in case. That will always be an option.
Enough about my worries.
I live in an old apartment building in down town Monett , just a few miles from Tony and Sandy. It’s right across the street from my bank , and City Hall , where I pay my utility bill , and the library , where I admit , that I don’t visit enough. The last apartment I had , was crawling with roaches. I hated that place. I was there for almost for months before I finally had to move out , because I couldn’t pay rent anymore , even though I was on unemployment at the time , but hadn’t reported in person for , I think two months straight. Sandy wanted me to go to a homeless shelter , but I didn’t want to , and , to shorten a long story , I cut my wrist open. Tony and Sandy found me , and called the police. At the hospital , as I was getting stitched up , I volunteered to enter the psychiatric ward. I was there for almost two weeks. I met some really nice people who were going through their own crap. One of them was Jennifer. She was probably the sweetest person there. She’s a hugger. She likes to hug people. One day , she asked me my last name. When I told her , she said ,’That’s my last name. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were long lost cousins?’
I doubt if she has any Gundys in her family tree.
After I got out of the hospital , I had no choice but to stay in a homeless shelter , in Springfield. I was there for three months before I had to leave ( you can only stay there three months at a time ). We had to be out of the dorms at eight every morning so they could close up , until for o’clock , except on weekends. You had several choices as to what you were going to do , look for work , wander around aimlessly , walk to the library , or walk to Bill’s Place , a local hangout for the homeless and down on their luck. I chose to walk to Bill’s Place every day , and just hang out all day , and sometimes get a free meal. I also went to the library a lot and read quite a few books in my room , which I shared with three other guys , most of the time.
From time to time , I find myself missing my time in Springfield. I miss walking to Bill’s Place , the company of some of the guys that I got to know , the classes we had to take every week , the bible studies , and others. The only thing that I don’t miss about it , were the mandatory daily chores. Waiting in line to sign up for a chore every day , and sometimes getting up at four – thirty , five a.m. ,  just to sign up. That sucked. The chores themselves (most of them , anyway) were not bad.
After getting out of the shelter , I stayed in a cheap motel across the street from the only  Wal mart , here in Monett. I was there for almost two months before getting this apartment. I was approved for disability while living there. It’s hardly enough to live on every month. Most of it goes to rent and utilities. I had basic cable for almost a year , but I could no longer keep up with the bills , and cancelled it. I still have basic internet , and can barely keep up with that.
I have some personal blogs that I post my short stories on. This is one of them. But , I don’t spend as much time as I would like to , on them , even though I have nothing but time on my hands. I can never decide what to do with most of my time. I’m good at that.
I can’t think of much else to say here , so I’ll just say good bye for now.

Peace and love , from Stan …

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