Tales Of Santa , Rudolph , And The Legend Of The Boogermeister , Part 1/ Not So Jolly Old Saint Nick

    Everyone is familiar with the legend of Santa Claus. Once a year , on Christmas Eve , he delivers toys and goodies to good little boys and girls all over the world , and leaves clumps of coal for those who are not so good. But there is another legend that no one knows about , and that’s the legend of The Boogermeister. He is actually the one who  leaves the clumps of coal for the bad children. Dr. Seuss got his inspiration for How The Grinch Stole Christmas , from the legend of The Boogermeister. This bit of information , was briefly mentioned in his memoirs , but has never been substantiated. The Boogermeister , who is an elf , received his name during a series of unfortunate childhood events that , fortunately , turned out to be hilariously funny. Recently , I ran into a childhood acquaintance of The Boogermeister ,  who told me some very interesting stories about Santa  , Rudolph ,  and the legend of The Boogermeister.

Tales Of Santa ,  Rudolph ,  And The Legend Of The Boogermeister ,  With Reb ( formerly Known As “The Rube” )  Roig

   ” It’s true , I did have a reputation for being a bit of a dunce. Ok , a great big dunce. But not anymore.  That was then , this is now. Then , I definitely was a bumpkin , a clod , a dunce , a moron , a dork , an idiot , and every other word associated with a genuinely stupid person.  At least that was how I felt. The other kids wouldn’t let me forget it. They called me all of those names , and names I won’t bother repeating.  I was bullied almost from the moment I could talk. I had huge , buck teeth , like a beaver , and I spoke with a lisp , which made it even worse.”

    We shared a back booth at a local bar and grilled , called The Gold Fish Bowl. He guzzled bottle after bottle of Black Moose beer. He was clearly drunk , and had been long before I’d gotten there , but never once slurred his words. His cheeks , and ears were bright red. I wasn’t sure if it was natural , from the dry weather , or because of all the alcohol he had consumed.
He belched and passed wind frequently , causing myself and many of the nearby patrons to regard him with disgust , but he either didn’t notice , or even care. Perhaps both.
“I also had ears that were three times as big as my head. They tormented me non stop about that , too. They called me Dumbo , Floppo ,  Rabbit Ears . and Moose ears. I got my ears flicked so many times , I lost count. One kid in particular , thought it was so funny , that he would sometimes chase me around the schoolyard , shouting , ‘Silly rabbit , tricks are for kids!’ and , ‘Hey Goober can I play with those moose antlers?  while the other kids laughed and pointed. It was his favorite way to torment me. Apparently , he couldn’t get through a single day without getting his daily fix of flicking my ears at least once.

“When they weren’t focusing on my ears , they were tormenting me in the usual ways kids these days torment the weaker kids. By sitting on me and slapping my face repeatedly , tripping me up when I walked by , and taping kick me  signs to my back , or ones accusing me of being a dork , a moron , or some other humiliating word. It went on for weeks. I went to the teacher to complain one day , but that only made it worse. My tormentors denied everything. Not only that , they covered for each other when they were questioned separately to determine if they were lying. In the end , the teacher couldn’t do anything about it , because no one dared to come forward and back me up. They knew they would be bullied if they did.

“The bullying got worse. Now they did things they had not done to me before. Now they were rubbing my face in mud , making me eat dirt , grass , bugs , you name , they forced me to eat it. I got swirlies almost on a daily basis. Once , they glued my ass to a toilet seat , and another time they duct taped me to the girls’ restroom door with a sign taped to me announcing that I used feminine disposable products.

“Thank God it didn’t last too long. Eventually , they found something else to focus their attention on. Not that I didn’t get picked on anymore. I did. Just not as much. Maybe two or three times a week. But they were no longer taping me to bathroom doors with embarrassing signs , or giving me swirlies on a daily basis. And for that , I was grateful.”

                    Not So Jolly Old St. Nick

“Much of their attention was now on the Big Guy himself , Santa Claus , or as I sometimes referred to him , St. Prick. I called him St. Prick for several reasons. First of all , he was a pompous wind bag , who liked to think he was right about everything , all the time. Whether it was politics , sports , religion , whatever. His  views and opinions were the right ones , and anyone who disagreed with him , were poop heads. That was his favorite insult aimed at anyone who disagreed with him.
“His religious and political views were pretty extreme. He opposed pornography – like any squeaky clean conservative would – or so he claimed , but everyone knew that was a lie , because he was always down loading porn off the internet. And he subscribed to enough porno magazines to make Bob Guccioni blush in embarrassment in his grave. He was a prude in name only , just to fool the Missus , who really was a prude. But it wasn’t long before she found out that he was pulling the wool over her eyes. And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
“He was also a booze hound. Whiskey was his choice of poison. He rarely touched anything else. He guzzled it like it was water. He loved it so much , I believe he would have been happy if someone had stuck a spout down his throat , and just poured the booze in.  And even though he guzzled in private , so the Missus wouldn’t catch him , it didn’t matter , because he always reeked of alcohol. She let him get away with it most of the time , because she was known on more than occasion to indulge , herself.
“He also considered himself a cigar aficionado. But the truth is , he couldn’t tell a Cuban from a cheap stogie. Oh , he smoked quite a few Cubans , but when it came to taste , he really couldn’t tell , or didn’t care , if he was smoking a real Cuban , or a rug. When he wasn’t pouring booze down his throat , I think he just liked having something in his mouth , no matter what it was , or what it tasted like.

   “When it came to porn , his favorite sites , were Chunky Chicks , and Mammoth Mellons. The old prick always was a big boob lover.  His favorite mags were Huge Jugs , and Xtra Large Hooters. But he subscribed  to tons of skin magazines  , because he was a pervert , and a dirty old man. He kept stacks of them hidden all over the place , so the missus wouldn’t find them and blow her top. ( She tolerated alcohol , but she put her foot down when it came to porn ). At the back of the closet , under loose floor boards , behind the wood pile next to the fire-place , out back , behind the wood pile next to the wood shack , the wood shack itself , and even the outhouse for God sake! No place was off-limits , just as long , as the Missus never looked. They were all good hiding places , because the missus never looked in any of them for any reason , and she certainly didn’t use the outhouse. She was too much of a lady for that. They both had their own private bathroom in their suite. The Old Prick was the only one who used the outhouse , mostly so he could look at his stash , pour booze down his throat , and diddle himself at the same time. God knows he wasn’t getting any from the Missus.

    “One day , Mrs. Claus’s personal maid , found one of his stashes. She was cleaning their suite when she stumbled over a loose floor board. The old prick had been slobbering over them the night before when everyone else had been asleep , and apparently had forgotten to secure the board firmly into place , after putting them back. She debated going to the Missus ,  telling her what she had found. She thought it was kind of creepy. How could Santa Claus be such a dirty minded pervert? He was supposed to be a role model for kids , wasn’t he? But , nonetheless ,  she didn’t want to get him into trouble. However , as she was hunkered over the hidey place , Mrs. Clause walked casually into the room in her stockinged feet , so quietly that the maid didn’t notice. When she saw what the girl had been looking at , she let out a scream that raised the dead , and not to mention , the roof off the building. The maid let out her own scream , and nearly fainted.

    “The entire village heard the Missus scream. It was a scream of rage , and betrayal. The maid clutched her heart , looking up at the Missus with eyes that were bulging from their sockets.  “Good lord , ma’am! You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

    “Ignoring the startled girl , the Missus shouted , ‘Where is he?! I’m going to kill that son of a bitch when I find him. He better hope I don’t!’

     “It wasn’t hard to figure out where he was. Not when you consider what his very favorite thing to do was. He wasn’t in their private bathroom. He wasn’t in a closet , where he sometimes hid from the Missus , not just to drink and diddle himself , but to sometimes just get away from all the nagging. And he wasn’t in the work shop , which is where he should have been , considering what time of year it was.
“That’s right. You guessed it. He was in the outhouse , slurping a bottle of his favorite whiskey , and diddling himself over his stash of girly magazines. A couple of the kids who had bullied me , were watching him through a peep-hole on the side of the outhouse. They had known about his clandestine activities for some time , after one of them had spied him beside the wood pile , with the stash he kept hidden there. When they heard the Missus scream , they thought they had been discovered as peeping toms. One of them released an expletive , and the two of them ran off like  frightened deer. The Old Prick also heard her scream , and he also heard the expletive , and the two running off through the snow , and he knew that someone had been spying on him. But that was the least of his worries , at least for the time being. Right now , he had an even bigger problem. When the Missus screamed , he knew it could mean only one thing. She must have found one of his stashes! He knew she would be looking for him , and when she found him , there was no telling what she might do to him. She might kill him and bury his body in the snow beside the wood pile. She might scratch him to death with her ruby-red finger nails , or claw his eyes out. The latter seemed more likely. That would teach the old pervert to look at porn!
“He knew that she would eventually find him. But the outhouse was his best bet. She never visited it. It always reeked after he exited it , which is why the Missus never used it. His best bet was to just stay put until she cooled off. If she did find him hiding there , the stench would most likely drive her away.
“It didn’t take long for her to discover where he was hiding. First , she looked in all of the other places he normally coward in , when attempting to avoid her. Then , somehow , magically , without making a sound tramping through the snow , as if she were a light-footed deer – which she wasn’t by any means , she was nearly as big as he was – she threw open the outhouse door , grimaced at the unspeakable stench , grabbed him by an ear with those ruby-red fingernails , that were just as long and sharp as a hawks talons , and without bothering to wait for him to pull up his trousers , dragged him through the snow and back to the lodge with his pants around his ankles , stumbling every step of the way. And as she dragged him through the snow , he farted explosively , and repeatedly.
” ‘Are you happy , you old pervert!’ the Missus screamed at him , having to raise her voice above the sound of his  wind , which was nearly deafening in the stillness. ‘Sarah found one of your disgusting porn collections! I want to know where you’re hiding the rest of it , and then I’m going to burn it! Is that understood?’
” ‘Yes dear!’ he mumbled , still farting. His face was redder than it normally was. He knew it wouldn’t be long before everyone in the entire village knew that he was a pervert , and be laughing at him behind his back. He wished he could find a hole to crawl into and hide. But he knew it was nothing more than wishful thinking. God knew he would never hear the end of it. In fact , some joker thought it would be funny to change some of the lyrics to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. Whoever was responsible , printed it out and plastered it all over the place just to embarrass him. And I have to admit , it was pretty funny. But the Old Prick wasn’t laughing. He couldn’t crawl into a hole fast enough to avoid the embarrassment :
“You better watch out , you better not cry , you better not pout I’m telling you why .
’cause Santa is one big booze hound ,
“He’s snorting his booze , he’s looking at porn , don’t you know he’s a disgusting old pervert ,
Santa Claus is coming to town ,
“He sees you when you masturbate and when you pick your nose ,
he even hears you when you fart , so you better not fart for goodness sake ,
“You better not pick or masturbate , and you better not fart for goodness sake ,
Santa Claus is coming’ to town! Yeah!
“So you better make sure you don’t beat your meat , pick your nose , crotch , belch , fart , guzzle booze , and
look at porn ( only Santa can do all that ) , or your pecker will fall off.”

#boogermeister, #rudolph, #santa

Everybody Hates Raymond

In 1996 , CBS debuted Everybody Loves Raymond , a sitcom about a hapless Joe named Ray Barone. Ray is the kind of guy who shirks most of his responsibilities , such as helping out around the house , and helping with the kids. He would rather spend his time being a couch potato , playing golf , and hanging out with his buddies at Nemo’s.

Not only is he irresponsible , but he’s also insensitive to his wife’s feelings , as he demonstrates in every episode , which is one of the reasons they argue. The other is his lack of responsibility.

The series is based loosely on the comedy of Ray Romano , and  some of his relatives. It was highly successful in the ratings and ran for nine seasons , but was cancelled in 2005. It also starred Brad Garrett , as Ray’s older brother , Robert , who is jealous , and constantly whines about him being the favored one. The elder Barones are portrayed by Doris Roberts , as Marie , and Peter Boyle , as Frank.  Marie constantly pampers Ray , which is the source of Robert’s resentment , and is always arguing with Frank , who insults her at every opportunity , much of it having to do with their marriage. Ray’s wife , Debra , is portrayed by Patricia Heaton. In every episode , Ray manages to say , or do something stupid , and insensitive , and they wind up arguing.

After the series ended , one of the producers , Lisa Jackson , published a book about the cast and their experiences working together. The book , titled , Everybody Hates Raymond , was a tell all that left virtually nothing to the imagination.

According to Jackson , the entire cast , with the exception of the children, were exactly like their characters on the show.

From the book : “They were like clones of their characters , which is why they were chosen. Ray was a lazy , irresponsible jerkoff ; Patricia was an angry , bitchy woman ; Brad was a whiny crybaby ; Peter was a gassy , insulting bastard , and Doris believed she was God’s gift to mothers.

“This pleased Philip immensely. As long as they were the clones of their characters , they would have no trouble playing their roles. And getting into character , and staying there from beginning to end of series , was not a problem. The only problem that Philip had with these people , which wasn’t really a problem , depending on your perspective , was that they hated each other. They genuinely hated each other. They were always fighting and bickering among themselves , just like their characters on the show. They fought like cats and dogs , about anything and everything. Every day that I came to the set , I would hear voices arguing somewhere , or someone screaming at someone else. They argued and fought during rehearsal , and they argued and fought during taping.

“One of the things they fought about was Peter’s disgusting habit. He had a bad flatulence problem , and was always letting loose during rehearsal and taping. The studio stank like an out house , or a sewer. Nobody wanted to rehearse or tape , with Peter tooting all over the place. It was disgusting. We all had to wear gas masks , which made it difficult for the cast to read their lines , because Peter wouldn’t stop tooting , and laughing.
Apparently , he didn’t mind his own stench , even though it was enough to kill the devil himself , and every time Peter let loose , we wanted to kill him.

“Another thing they fought about , was Doris’s drinking. The woman was a lush , and couldn’t lay off the booze if her life depended on it. She drank like a fish. She loved any kind of alcohol , but preferred beer to anything else. She left empty cans and bottles all over the studio , including the set , and everyone’s dressing rooms – including her own.

“When she was drunk – which was most of the time – she would barge into everyone’s dressing rooms , whether they were there or not. If a room was unoccupied , she would blabber at the walls , thinking she was talking to an actual person , completely oblivious to the fact that the walls never answered her back. If they were occupied , she would challenge them to a drinking contest. Of course , no one ever took her up on her challenge. They would scream at her to get out , calling her a crazy old bitch , and slam the door in her face.

“They would lock the doors to keep her out , but it didn’t do any good. She would pick the locks , even when she when she was blind , stinking drunk , leave her cans and bottles , and leave the doors open. This went on for a while. Everyone complained to Philip numerous times. He said he would take care of it. But , of course , he did nothing. He didn’t own the studio , so there was nothing he could do. And there was no proof that Doris was the one who was littering the set and everyone’s dressing rooms with her empty containers. No one had actually seen her do it. It was their word against hers.

“Doris had other problems other than alcohol abuse. When she wasn’t barging in uninvited , challenging others to a drinking contest , she could usually be found arguing with Patricia. On the series , Pat’s character , Debra , resented the elder Barones’ always barging in unannounced , and sticking their noses where they didn’t belong , and when Doris was drinking , she sometimes forgot who she was. When she was drinking , she actually believed that she was Marie Barone , her character on the show. So , most of the time that she was plastered , she would deliberately pick fights with Patricia. She would pound on her dressing room door , or confront her in front of everyone else , accusing her of being an angry bitch who liked to bully people.

” ‘I don’t know what my Wamey sees in you!’ she screamed one day. ‘Sometimes I think you stay married to him so you can blame him for all your prolems!’

“Patricia knew she was drunk , as usual. ‘Get lost , you crazy old witch!’ she said , pushing her. Doris fell on her back and didn’t get up. In fact , she didn’t move for  a long time and Patricia was getting worried.

” ‘Oh my God! I didn’t kill the old bitch , did I?’

“She ran from the room to get help , not realizing that Doris had only fallen asleep. When she came back , she was dragging Brad along with her. By now , Doris’s mouth was hanging wide open , and she was snoring like  buzz saw. A string of saliva had dribbled down her chin , and a fly was slacking it’s thirst at it.

” ‘She doesn’t look dead to me ,’ Brad said. He shook her awake and helped her up.

” ‘What’s going on?’ she said , groggily.

” ‘Patricia thought she killed you.’

“Doris’s blood shot eyes widened. ‘Now I remember! You pushed me , you bitch!’

“She grabbed Patricia , and the two of them rolled around the room , screaming and pulling each others hair out. Brad tried to get them to stop , screaming as loud as he could , but they couldn’t hear him above their own screaming.

“A few minutes later , Ray came running into the room. ‘What’s going on here?!’ he shouted.

“Patricia and Doris stopped fighting and looked up at him. Their hands were full of chunks of each others hair , and there were several bald spots on their heads. They looked ridiculous.

” ‘You!’ Doris said.

” ‘You!’ Patricia said. ‘This is all your fault!’

” ‘My fault? What did I do?’

 ” ‘Give me a minute , and I’ll think of something!’ Patricia screamed. ‘Come here so I can kill you!’

“Brad was insanely jealous because of all the attention Ray got , both on and off the show , and on almost every episode he always said the same thing. And it didn’t matter if they wanted to kill him ; he was still jealous.

“Everybody Loves Raymond!’ he said.

#eevrybody-hates-ray, #ray-romano

Fart Whisperer , Can You Smell Us? by Jennifer Love Hewitt

   Did you know that there actually are people who hunt ghosts by the smells they emit? Yes , it’s true! They’re called Fart Whisperers. For five seasons CBS aired Ghost Whisperer , a series starring Jennifer Love Hewitt , which was based upon the true life exploits of Mary Ann Winkowski , an honest to God Fart Whisperer.

   An authorized biography of real life Fart Whisperer , Mary Ann Winkowski. The book deals mainly with Winkowski’s unusual methods of ghost hunting , recounts of incidents from her early years , and also excerpts from her two books , When Death Smells , and When Ghosts Fart , It Really , Really Stinks!

   According to Hewitt , Winkowski not only was a gifted psychic from her teenage years , but her methods of ghost hunting were very unorthodox. Her talent was not seeing the dead , but hearing them pass wind.

From the book : “She had an otherworldly talent for sniffing out otherworldly odors , much like a dog does when it sniffs around for food , or another dogs butt. One day she started hearing fart noises – and these were really loud noises – and smelling odors that reminded her of all the times that she had eaten hard-boiled eggs as a kid. These odors always occurred when she alone , and she sometimes wondered if she was smelling her own farts , even though she couldn’t remember doing it. These odors were often accompanied by laughter , which led her to believe that she might be the butt of a practical joke. But each time she investigated , she discovered that she was always alone when these smells occurred.

Then , one day at school during class , the smells returned , and this time she heard a voice that said , ‘Can you smell us?’ followed by laughter.

” ‘Whoever it is!’ she blurted out , ‘Please go away and leave me alone! I have no desire to smell your disgusting farts!’

“The whole class stared at her a moment , and then burst out laughing.”

During the opening theme of every episode , a ghostly voice can be heard , saying ,  can you hear us.

According to Hewitt , Winkowski wanted it changed to , can you smell us , since , she claimed that the dead smell worse than worse than the living. But the producers said , no stinking way!

Mistress Of The Dark

Elvira , Mistress Of The Dark

Elvira , Mistress Of The Dark

    Cassandra Peterson , better known as Elvira , Mistress Of The Dark.
Hostess of Movie Macabre throughout the eighties. Most of the films were badly produced , the acting poor , and the dialogue often worse. But Elvira with her wit , and criticism , always made it fun to watch. And watching her was even more fun.

#elvira, #mistress-of-the-dark

The Maurty Povich Show

maury+povich-300x225

Is it just me , or does anyone else think this is one of the most ridiculous shows on the boob tube? I can’t be the only one.
I like Maurty. Everybody likes Maurty. He seems like a nice enough guy. But with a show like this , he’s just asking to be made fun of.
For over ten years now , Maurty has been exciting audiences all over America with his unique brand of crappy television. The subject matter of this fine show includes such topics as , cheating spouses , transvestites , and embarrassing situations caught on video. Only those who are dense enough to watch this tasteless junk on a daily basis , could possibly find it exciting entertainment.
Recently , Maurty celebrated the shows tenth anniversary with his good buddy and favorite animal trainer , Jack Hanna , who has appeared numerous times over the years.
In a recent interview , the shows executive producer , Amy Rosenblum , revealed some things about Maurty that even his fans didn’t know.

                                                    Behind The Scenes Of The Maurty Povich Show , With Amy Rosenblum

“I’ve been the shows executive producer for the entire ten years , and I’ve loved every minute of it. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. I hope it lasts another ten years.
“I know that some people don’t like the show. They think it’s silly and ridiculous. Even I find it silly at times. Especially when Maury does one of his , I Slept With My Husbands Brother , or Who’s The Father Of My Baby? shows. But his audiences love it , no matter how ridiculous it is. The more outrageous it is , the fans love it , which is why I think it’s so popular. Maury’s not afraid to be outrageous. He knows that if he can make the show as crazy as possible , people will watch. And it’s worked for ten years.”

 Everybody Loves Maurty

“Not long after we started the show , in ninety – seven , Maury liked to dress up as different characters during rehearsal. Every episode , halfway through the first season , Maury would dress up as some of his favorite celebrities , and rehearse the show.
“The first character that Maury impersonated , was Groucho Marx , one of his all time favorites. Some of his guests would be confused , until they realized that it was Maury. The second celebrity was Ozzy Osbourne. The original Sabbath is one of his favorite bands , and Maury always thought that Ozzy was such an outrageous character.
“So , one day , Maury comes out wearing a wig , and a black tee – shirt with a white cross on it.
“The audience went crazy. He threw his hands over his head , mimicking Ozzy giving the peace sign. ‘Are you ready to rock?’ he said , in a surprisingly good English accent.
“Everybody went absolutely bananas. Most of them jumped around like baboons , chanting , ‘Maury!’
” ‘Are you ready to rock?’ he said again.
” ‘Yes!’ they screamed back. Then the stage curtains opened to reveal three guys dressed like the other guys in the band , complete with out dated clothes , and funny looking wigs.
“Without the accent , Maury said , ‘This is my band , Black Savage. We’re a Sabbath cover band. We’ve been practicing real hard for weeks , and during breaks on this show , we’ll be playing some of their material.’
“Everybody went insane. They yelled and screamed , and jumped around like monkeys in a cage at the zoo. Some got so excited , that they actually jumped all the way to the ceiling , banging their heads , knocking themselves unconscious , then falling back into the audience , and injuring others. Others had broken through , and were either dangling unconscious , or moaning in pain.
“Maury and the guys had watched it all with bemused expressions , that is , until people started getting hurt. At first it was funny watching everyone screaming and jumping like wild animals. But now it had gotten out of control. Some fools were dangling unconscious from the ceiling , and some with their legs kicking , and screaming for help , while others were lying in the audience , moaning and groaning in pain.
“Someone called the paramedics. The most seriously injured were taken to the hospital , and those with mild cuts and bruises were treated on the spot. No one died of their injuries , thank God. I knew that Maury had the wildest audiences , but I had no idea how absolutely insane they were!
“No one was more relieved than Maury was when he found out that everyone was going to be alright. I think he was worried that he might get sued. He wasn’t.”

Fun With Maurty And Jack

    “Last year , Maury celebrated the shows tenth anniversary with his close friend , Jack Hanna. Jack has been on the show about twice a year , which is always a lot of fun. And each time he comes , he features more exotic animals and insects.
“The animals he brought out for the anniversary special , were a macaw , and a pair of chimps. He brought out the macaw first. Jack whistled , and a multi – colored parrot flew out from back stage.  There was a perch next to Jack , which it was supposed to settle on , but apparently the bird had other ideas. Instead of landing on the perch , it passed over the entire audience , spraying , and dropping doody on everyone. They all howled with laughter , as the bird crop dusted them , while squawking its own laughter. There wasn’t one person that didn’t have bird pee or doody on them. No one care , though , because they were all having a good time.
“Maury and Jack were shocked and surprised by the birds behavior. But they were also amused , especially Maury. ‘I don’t know what’s the matter with him , Maury!’ Jack said. ‘He’s never behaved this way before. He must be nervous. Come here , Louie! Behave yourself!’
“But apparently , Louie didn’t want to behave himself. He made one more swoop over the audience , dropped another pay load , and squawked with laughter. Then he dive bombed Maury and Jack , squawked again , and flew back stage.
“Wiping bird doody from their faces , Jack shouted , ‘Bad Louie!’
“The audience laughed again , wiping doody from their own faces and clothes.
“Apparently , Louie wasn’t the only one that was nervous. Maury was also nervous. Every year , he looked forward Jacks visits , and the animals he brought  with him. But Maury was also more than a little apprehensive , because a lot of the animals could be potentially dangerous , and their behavior unpredictable. Case in point , the next animals that Jack brought out.
“When Jacks assistants brought out the two chimps , Buckaroo Bonzo , and Bozo The Clown , they must have sensed how nervous Maury was , because from that moment on , things went from bad … to worse.
“Buckaroo Bonzo was wearing a stupid looking Peter Weller wig , and was dressed like the actor from the movie , Buckaroo Banzai. And Bozo was dressed like his favorite clown , wearing a silly looking red wig , and a bicycle horn that he tooted incessantly. The audience howled with laughter when they saw the chimps. They looked so ridiculous. The moment they set eyes on Maury , they broke free of their handlers and made a be – line straight for him. They pounced on him , threw him on the ground , ripped of their silly looking outfits , and started rubbing doody all over him.
“The audience bellowed. Maury was laughing too , but he was also scared to death that they might hurt him. He covered his head with his arms , and wouldn’t look up the whole time the monkeys were doing their business.
” ‘Jack! Make ’em stop!’ he shouted. Jack and the handlers , attempted to grab hold of the chimps , but got pelted with doody themselves. Then Bonzo and Bozo turned to the audience , and threw doody at them , too.
“The chimps had great aim. They managed to hit every single person , either in the face , or on their clothes.
“When they were done with the audience , they ran around the set , throwing seats , ripping up furniture , and tearing apart whatever they could get their hands on.
“Maury was terrified. The moment the chimps turned their attention to the audience , he ran back stage , and would not come out until it was all over.
“Jack and his assistants chased the chimps around the set , attempting to get them to cease their rampage. It went on for almost twenty minutes. The audience was going crazy the whole time , howling with laughter , as Buckaroo Bonzo , and Bozo The Clown , completely destroyed the place.
“Finally , mercifully , it was over. It looked like a freak tornado had struck the inside of the studio. Jack and his assistants were finally able to calm the chimps enough , to get them back stage.
“Of course , none of it had been taped. Too bad , though. It would have made a great show. However , it would be a while before Jack and his kids , were invited back to the show.”

Oooops! I Did It Again! by Christina Aguilera

Britney Spears

Britney Spears

The unauthorized biography of one of pop music’s most popular icons.
How Britney Spears came up with one of her most popular CDs.
Apparently , according to Aguilera , Spears had consumed too many refried bean burritos the night before , and had uncontrollable flatulence all throughout the recording of the CD.
From the book : “It was so bad , that recording had to be stopped every few minutes so she could run to the crapper , so she wouldn’t embarrass herself in front of everyone. But everyone heard the noises anyway , because they were so loud , and every time she came out , everyone would pretend not to notice what she’d been doing.
“It took forever to complete the CD. Every time she hurried to the john , she would say ,’Oooops! Here it comes again!’
“After she came out the third time , she said ,’Hey everybody! Guess what? I just thought of a great title for my CD! Ooops! I Did It Again! Because I almost went in my panties this time!’
According to Aguilera , the following verses were omitted from the original version of the CD.
Oooops! I did it again!/I cut the Big One/’Cause I ate too much beans/Now my butt really stinks/’Cause I pass too much gas/And now it’s on fire/’Cause I like eating beans!
Originally , the song was to be about her love of refried beans , which were her favorites. She had once told Aguilera that she believed she had been a dog in a former life , and that refried beans always reminded her of dog food , which she enjoyed eating straight from the can — refried beans , not dog food.
But management urged her to change the lyrics , because they were not sure how her fans would react.
Spears also attended a recording session of Aguilera’s , passing explosive wind , and embarrassing her , which is the main reason she wrote the book.
“That wasn’t the only time she farted around me!” Aguilera complained in an interview after the book was published. “She showed up drunk , backstage , at one of my concerts , and farted the whole time!
“I was so embarrassed that I had to take her aside — holding my nose the whole time , because it stank so bad , the girl really can fart! — and told her that if she didn’t stop eating so many beans , no one would want to be around her anymore. But she just laughed and said that I sounded like Mickey Mouse , and we’re so not
friends anymore!
“So I wrote the book to embarrass her , like she embarrassed me so many times.”

#aguilera, #britney-spears, #explosive-wind, #flatulence, #refried-beans, #unauthorized-biography

The Roseanne Show

This crazy story is part of a series of stories on celebrities , all of which I wrote several years ago , and then lost. I’ve never been too fond of some celebrities. To me , their egos often out weigh their pay checks ( case in point : Kanye West. Here’s a perfect example of a celebrity with a swelled head ). Nor do I spend my time watching those celebrity news rags like ET , which , in my opinion , can easily induce narcolepsy , and deep states of catatonia. So , beware! Next time you watch one of these , you may fall into a coma from which you may never awaken. I do , however , like to make fun of celebrities , and this is how I do it. It’s certainly the most enjoyable. I know these stories are ridiculous , but I don’t care. I have fun writing them. Disclaimer : Any similarity between celebrities and characters in this story , is purely coincidental , and meant to be ridiculous.

roseanne-745995In 1988 , ABC debuted the Roseanne Show , a weekly sitcom about a fat , loud mouthed waitress with a voice that could shatter glass. It ran for nine seasons , and was highly successful in the ratings , becoming the most watched show from 1989 to 1990. Recently , some of the shows cast got together for a reunion … without Roseanne. I attended the reunion and talked with some of the former cast members , John Goodman , Sara Gilbert , and  Michael O’Keefe.

Behind The Scenes Of The Roseanne The Sitcom , With John Goodman , Sara Gilbert , and Michael O’Keefe

“What most people don’t know about Roseanne ,” said John , “Is that she was not that different from her character on the show. On the show she was portrayed as a loud mouth , annoying bitch , but in real life , she was much worse , and we all saw just how worse she was , plenty of times. And that’s why nobody liked her , because she was a loud mouth and a bitch , including a few other things. She had the biggest mouth of anybody I’ve ever known. She never talked like a normal person , in a normal tone like everyone else. She was always screaming. It was so irritating to have to listen to her talk. Her voice sounded like someone scraping a chalk board with their finger nails. You couldn’t help but cover your ears , and pray for it to stop. God knows I did plenty of times. Her voice could make your ears ring , and shatter glass , not to mention your ear drums. If someone had measured the decibel level of her voice , I wouldn’t be surprised if it was louder than a jet engine.”

Roseanne The Big Mouth

“I couldn’t stand her for several reasons ,” Sara said. “She was a bitch , a loud mouth , a glutton , and a slob , all rolled into one. She was always screaming at everybody , telling us what do. We had to do whatever she told us to , and not just us , but everyone who worked on the show , because she was too lazy to do anything for herself. We had to wait on her hand and foot. She thought of herself as a Big Star , and everyone else as her personal slaves. If someone didn’t snap right to it  , there were consequences to pay. If someone didn’t do what she told them to do , she would threaten to sit on them , making pancakes out of them. She loved eating pancakes , and she loved making pancakes out of people who didn’t do what she told them to. She was like five hundred pounds during the first few seasons of the show. And no one wanted to get sat on by someone that huge. It was like being sat on by Henrietta Hippo.

“Not only was she the star of the show , but our boss as well , so we had to do whatever she told us to do. We could get fired , or get sat on. All of us had been sat on at least once since the show started , and we didn’t want to get sat on again , so we had to do whatever she told us to do , whether it was to bring her a newspaper , or get her something to eat. Usually , it was to get her something to eat.

“Sometimes someone would have the balls to mouth off to her , or tell her no , and they were the ones who got sat on again and again. Some people just never learned that Roseanne didn’t take no for an answer , and if you knew what was good for you , you didn’t dare mouth off to her , or you would be made into a pancake. Most of us learned our lesson the hard way. We learned not to mouth off to her again , because if we did , we would be made into pancakes , and none of us wanted to be made into pancakes again.

“I was one of the few that got sat on more than once , because I was a stupid twelve-year-old kid in those days , and didn’t let anybody tell me what to do , or push me around. My attitude sometimes got me into trouble , and when Roseanne was around , it seemed to get me into trouble more often than not.

“The first time I got sat on , we literally bumped into each other in the corridor , back stage , during a break in tapping. This was during the first season , so I had no idea yet that Roseanne liked making pancakes out of people who upset her. All I really knew at the time was that she had a loud , annoying voice , like an ear-piercing scream that could literally make your ears bleed , and even cause hearing loss.

” ‘Hey!’ she screamed. ‘Watch where you’re goin’, will ya?!’

“I was watching where I was going , but she wasn’t. She had her fat nose stuck in a script , practicing her lines for an up coming episode.

” ‘Watch where you’re going!’ I said.

” ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed even louder.

” ‘You heard me!’ “

‘You better watch what you say , kid , or else!’

” ‘Or else what?’

” ‘Or I’ll sit on ya’! That’s what!’ “

‘You can’t sit on me!’ I said. ‘I’m just a kid. You could get in trouble for that.’

” ‘I won’t get in trouble! I’m a star! I can do anything I want!’

” ‘No , you can’t. You wouldn’t dare sit on me!’

” ‘Oh yeah?! Watch me!’ She shoved me hard and I landed on my back. Then she launched herself on top of me , screaming , ‘Pancake!’

“I let out a startled ‘Ooof!’ My eyes popped out of my head , and I felt all the wind rush out of me. I was gasping for air , trying not to hyperventilate , afraid that I might pass out. The pain was excruciating. It felt like I had been run over by a bus. Like Dumbo had dropped out of the sky and landed on me.

” ‘Are you gonna watch where you’re goin’ next time?!’ she screamed.

” ‘Yes , yes!’ I said , gasping for breath.  ‘Get off me!’

” ‘Are you gonna tell anybody I sat on ya?!’

” ‘No , I won’t tell anybody! I promise!’

” ‘You better not tell anybody!’ she screamed. ‘If you do , I’ll sit on them , and then I’ll sit on you again! Understand!?’

” ‘Yes , I hear you! Now get off me before you kill me!’

“That was the first time she sat on me. I didn’t think she would actually do it. God , was I wrong!

“I was alright. Thank God I didn’t have any broken bones , or anything. But I sure had the wind knocked out of me , and I was sore all over for days.”

Roseanne The Slob

Said John ,  “She was always eating , always stuffing her face. I don’t think I ever saw her without food on the set , or anywhere in the studio. It didn’t matter what it was. You name it , she ate it. Candy , cookies , chips , pizza , hamburgers , fries. Whatever it was , she was always stuffing it into that maw she called a mouth. Even gum. She would stuff gobs and gobs of it into her big mouth , until it looked like her checks were going to explode.”

“She constantly stuffed her face all over the studio ,” Sara added. “During rehearsal , during taping , in the cafeteria , in her dressing room , and even in the restroom while she was on the toilet , for God sake! And she would throw her trash on the floor for someone else to pick up. There were signs posted all over the studio , asking that people pick up after themselves , and throw their trash away. But Roseanne completely ignored them. There would be heaps and mounds of trash all over the studio , and trails of empty candy and cookie wrappers , and potato chip bags , burrito packages , and pizza boxes , would be leading in and out of her dressing room , and every other room , including the restroom. If anyone dared to complain to her face , she would scream that it wasn’t her trash , that someone else had left it there to try to get her into trouble.

“Once , she even blamed me for all of her messes. ‘Hey!’ she screamed. ‘Can’t you read the signs?! Don’t you know how to pick up after yourself?! What are you , a slob?!’ ”
‘They’re not my messes!’ I said. ”
‘Well , they’re not mine!’ she screamed.
“Some of us would even complain to management from time to time , but since she was the star of the show , their was really nothing they could do about it.  And because we complained , she would threaten to sit on us if we did it again.

” ‘I don’t have to pick up after myself!’ she would scream. ‘I’m the star of this show , and don’t you forget it!’
“One day I saw a pizza box on the floor next to a trash can , and a half eaten pizza splattered against the wall above it. I knew Roseanne had been responsible for the mess. It couldn’t have been anybody else , since she was the only slob who worked in the studio. Usually , she didn’t like wasting food. She preferred stuffing it down her throat , rather than throwing it away. Obviously she had been too lazy to dump it in the trash , and left it on the wall for someone else to clean up. God , it was gross.”

John : “I remember one day when every toilet in the studio backed up , and mysteriously over flowed , and the whole building was flooded. It was so bad that a plumber had to be called. And do you know what he found? Someone had stuffed candy wrappers in one of the toilets in the lady’s room , for God sake! We had to wait outside while they cleaned up the mess. It was disgusting. We all knew it was Roseanne , but none of us could prove it. Not that she would have gotten into trouble anyway. She was the star of the show. She could do anything she wanted , as she so often reminded us.”

“She drank  as much as she stuffed herself ,” Sara continued. “She was always guzzling beer , washing down whatever she was cramming down her throat , and leaving the empty bottles and cans all over the studio with all of her other trash. She not only left it in the studio , but in her dressing room , as well. There were always dirty dishes lying around , with half eaten rotten food , and there were dirty clothes , and tons of empty beer cans and bottles , piled high on every piece of furniture. And flies were everywhere. God , it was gross.
“I remember one day when Roseanne barged into my dressing room , and screamed ,’Hey Kid! Run down to the liquor store on the corner and get me a six-pack! I feel like gettin’ drunk before the show!’ ”
‘Don’t you know how to knock?’ I said.

 ” ‘I don’t have to knock! I’m a star! Well , are ya gonna get my beer , or not?!’ ”
‘What do I look like? Your personal slave?’
“That’s exactly what I was and she knew it. We were all her personal slaves. If we didn’t do what she told us to do , we would get sat on. If I knew what was good for me , I didn’t dare back talk to her. But once again , my mouth got me into trouble. I knew that I was in danger of getting sat on again , and that she could easily kill me. She had been lucky so far. But I wasn’t going to let her tell me what to do anymore , even if I did get sat on once. So , like the stupid kid I was , I mouthed off to her.
” ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed.
” ‘I’m not your slave. Get it yourself.’
” ‘Alright! Have it your way! You’re about to become a pancake!’
“Before I could say anything , she picked me up as if I were a rag doll , and slammed me down on the floor. Screaming pancake! , she jumped onto me like she was diving into a pool. Once again , all the air was squished out of my lungs , and this time I almost passed out.
” ‘Are ya gonna get my beer now!?’ she screamed.
“‘Yes , yes , I’ll get your beer!’ I moaned. ‘Please get off me!’
” ‘Are you gonna do what I say next time!?’
” ‘Yes , Ok , please get off! You’re going to break my back!’
” ‘Are you gonna tell anybody I sat on ya’ again?!’
” ‘No! please , I’m dying here! Get off before I pass out!’
“She finally let me up. It felt like every bone in my body had been broken. I could barely breathe.
“Finally , after I could breath again , I got Roseanne her beer. But I couldn’t buy it myself. I had to get an old wino to buy it for me.
“That was the second and last time Roseanne sat on me , making a pancake out of me. To make sure it never happened again , I had to do whatever she told me to do.
“Needless to say , I was alright. I had no broken bones , or anything. But once again , I had the wind knocked out of me.

John said ,”We found out what a glutton she was not long after we began tapping the first season of the show. One day we were rehearsing for an episode , when Roseanne suddenly screams ,’Cut! I’m hungry! Somebody get me a pizza!’
“The director told her to wait until she finished with her lines , and then she could have her pizza. But Roseanne wasn’t taking no for an answer. We all knew what happened when someone upset her. They literally had two choices. They could get fired , or get turned into pancakes. And more often than not , they got turned into pancakes , because she liked making pancakes out of people more than she liked eating them.”

“That’s probably why she rarely fired anyone ,” said Sara. “If she got upset and fired everybody , she wouldn’t have anyone left to sit on.”

John continued : “The director wanted Roseanne to continue rehearsing while she waited for her pizza to be delivered. But she didn’t want to continue. She wanted her pizza now , or somebody was going to get sat on. So , we had to wait around and listen to her scream about how hungry she was. When it finally came , she snatched it from the delivery boy , and practically tore open the box.
“Looking at the pizza , she screamed ,’Hey! This pizza has anchovies on it! I didn’t order a pizza with no anchovies! Who’s idea was it to put anchovies on it!? Come here , kid! You’re about to become a pancake!’
“The delivery boy looked terrified , and he had good reason to be. He’d heard all the horror stories that Roseanne liked to sit on people who upset her , and he didn’t want to be made into a pancake. So , with a whimper , he tried to bolt , but Roseanne was too quick for him. She grabbed him by the gruff of his neck and threw him on the floor as easily as if he were a rag doll. And to Roseanne , he was. Then she threw herself on top of him. The poor kids’ eyes bulged obscenely as she landed on him , and he made a strangled , half cry.
” ‘That’ll teach ya not to put anchovies on my pizza!  she screamed.
“We watched in shock and surprise as Roseanne sat on the kid. Then she gobbled the whole pizza in less than twenty seconds. It was like watching Homer Simpson , or Fred Flintstone eat. After she finished with the pizza , she licked her fingers , and her lips like a dog , while looking around for more food. Then she opened a beer , guzzled it down in seconds , and released a huge belch.
” ‘Still sitting on the kid , she screamed ,’I’m still hungry!’
“I felt sorry for the poor kid. But he was alright. He didn’t have any broken bones , or anything. But he sure got the wind knocked out of him.”

“She was always belching and farting ,” John continued.

“But she farted more than she belched ,” Sara added. “God , a whole lot more!  When it came to farting , no place was sacred to Roseanne. She farted all over the studio. Not just in the restroom , and her dressing room , but every other room , including the cafeteria , for God sake! And more often than not , she would do it when others were around her. God , it was gross.”

“There was nowhere in the studio you could go and not hear Roseanne fart ,” said John. “She could be in her dressing room with the door closed , and you could be on the other side of the building , and you could still hear Roseanne fart. That’s how loud it was. You could be in the break room , or the cafeteria  , and all of a sudden , hear a loud popping noise like gun fire , or a car back firing , and right away , you knew it was Roseanne. I don’t know which was worse , the noise , or the smell.
“Sometimes , we would hear a loud trumpet like noise , and we knew it was Roseanne farting. It was like Doomsday Of The Apocalypse. The first time I heard it , I thought the world was coming to an end. Each time , I actually looked up , expecting to see the walls come crashing down on my head , or witness the Second Coming.  And I wasn’t the only one. A lot of people in the studio thought the end had come.
“There were other times when I heard what sounded like a quacking noise. When I first heard it , I thought a flock of ducks or geese had somehow gotten into the studio. Later , someone would tell me they heard it to , and that it had been Roseanne farting.”

Sara : “And there was no place you could go to get away from the stink. It seemed to follow you everywhere. No matter where you were , you could smell it. The instant she farted , it would reach your nostrils in a matter of seconds , like the odor of a skunk.
“Anybody else would have been embarrassed to do it around others , but not Roseanne. Nothing embarrassed her. She was a slob , and didn’t care who knew it.”

“None of us could stand being around her because she farted so much ,” John said. “We were all terrified of getting farted on. Especially me. I had to do some kissing scenes with her , for God sake! We would be rehearsing , or taping , and all of a sudden she would start farting. And we would have to wait until the air cleared , until we could continue.”

Sara : “And the smell was just awful. It was like something had died , only a hundred times worse. It was worse than a rotting corpse. It was the kind of smell that could strip the varnish off wood. The kind of smell that could literally kill. It would be so bad , that stage hands would have  to set up huge fans around the set to blow the stink away. But even that didn’t help much.  The smell just never seemed to want to go away. It would linger for hours , sometimes even days , like it was alive , like it had a mind of its own. Who knows , maybe it did.”

John : “She belched and farted with gusto , and each time she did , she would laugh like it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. Especially when she farted. But we didn’t think it was funny. We thought it was disgusting. We were the ones who had to put up with the smell.”

Sara : “I remember one day I was passing the lady’s room when I heard Roseanne on the toilet. She was talking to herself , while she was doing … you – know – what.
” ‘Here it comes!’ she screamed. ‘Wait for it! Wait for it! Oh God! Look out! It’s a big one!’
“Then I heard the loudest fart I’ve ever heard. It sounded like a machine gun firing. And because she was on the toilet , you could hear it all over the studio. God , it was gross.”

John : “Leaving her garbage everywhere , and farting , weren’t Roseanne’s only bad habits. She had others that were just as disgusting. She also picked her nose , just as much as she farted. And she always picked it during rehearsal , and during taping. Sometimes she would fart and pick , and other times she would pick and then fart. We would be rehearsing , or taping a scene , when all of a sudden she would stick a finger up a hairy nostril , and scream .’Cut! Someone get me a tissue! Now!’
“And , of course , one of us had to get her a tissue , or one of us would get sat on.
“And when she was through with her snot rag , she would throw it on the floor for someone else to pick up.”

“The first time I got sat on ,” Michael said , “I was in the cafeteria having chicken soup and a sandwich for lunch , when Roseanne comes in and orders practically everything on the menu. Her plate was stuffed with food , over flowing , literally dripping down the sides. When her tray couldn’t hold anymore food , she turned and looked for a place to sit. I hoped she wouldn’t notice me , but she spotted me almost instantly , and I swear her beady eyes lit up the moment she saw me.
“She sauntered over , her tray dripping gobs of food onto the floor. With a crap eating grin , she screamed ,’Do you mind if I sit here?!’
“I wanted to tell her no. There were plenty of other tables could have chosen to sit at , bit of course , she had to sit next to me! If I had told her she couldn’t sit there , she would have blown her top , and made a pancake out of me , and I sure as hell didn’t want her sitting on me. She had sat on more than a half a dozen people since the show started. Some more than others. She had been lucky she hadn’t killed anybody so far. But who was to say that I wouldn’t be the first? And I didn’t want to take any chances. So , I said ,’Please … ‘ I paused a moment , staring at her with a terrified look on my face. She stared back with those beady eyes , and the crap eating grin never faltered. I knew she was hoping that I would tell her no , so she would have an excuse to sit on me.
” ‘Please … do ,’ I croaked , gesturing to the chair across from me.
“She was disappointed , just like I knew she would be. Her grin faltered briefly , and then she set down her tray and pulled out the chair.
” ‘Gee! Thanks , Mike!’ she screamed.
“She tried to sit down in the chair , but her butt was too big. She weighed like five hundred pounds , and I knew there was no way she was going to fit into it , without breaking it. She wriggled her butt around , trying to squeeze it in. It creaked and groaned in protest as she struggled to sit down. ” ‘What’s with this chair?!’ she screamed.
“There were a few other people in the cafeteria besides us , and the moment she started bitching about the chair , they all turned to stare at her. Some were struggling to keep a straight face , but none of them were laughing. Which was wise. They knew that Roseanne had a reputation for sitting on people who upset her , but none of them had been sat on … yet.
” ‘What are you people starin’ at?!’ she screamed. She stood up to face them … and the chair stuck to her butt!
“Immediately , they turned back to their lunches , pretending that none of them had been staring at her. I was also staring at her , and struggling not to laugh. When she turned back to me , I quickly put on a straight face. But what happened next , made me lose it completely.
“She tried to pry the chair off her butt , but it wouldn’t budge. She tried several times to dislodge it , but it was clear it wasn’t going to come off. It was stuck tight. It may as well have been glued on. Finally , she gave up trying to get it off.
” ‘I’ve just about had it with this chair!’ she screamed. She was so frustrated that she sat down in it as hard as she could , and the moment the legs hit the floor , it shattered into a million pieces! And that was it for me. I could no longer hold it in.
“Not only did Roseanne squish the chair , making a pancake out of it , but the moment her huge butt made contact with the floor , she let out a humongous fart.
“I not only lost it , but everyone else lost it as well. I never had such a good laugh. I laughed so hard , there were tears streaming from my eyes. I knew that I was in danger of getting sat on for laughing at her , but I couldn’t help myself. The image of Roseanne with the chair stuck to her butt , was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.
“But Roseanne didn’t find it amusing. She was furious , and it was clear that someone was about to get sat on.
” ‘What are you people laughin’ at?! she screamed , and instantly , everyone stopped laughing , including me. There was a moment of silence , in which everyone pretended to be minding their own business again. And then , suddenly , without warning , they all bolted for the door , not daring to look back.
” ‘You better run!’ she screamed.
“She got up off the floor. The crap eating grin was back. I wondered if this was it. Was I going to get sat on? Surely she had heard me laughing at her , and was about to sit on me , making a pancake out of me.  Sweat was dripping down my face. I was starting to regret not bolting with the others. But her attention wasn’t on me. It was on the food on her tray. She picked it up , and buried her face in it , as if she were in a pie eating contest , and gobbled everything down in seconds. Food was smeared all over her face.
“My soup was cold , and I’d only taken a few bites of my sandwich. When Roseanne had come in , I’d suddenly lost my appetite.
“She was staring at me with that crap eating grin again. I tried not to act as nervous as I felt , so I opened my lunch bag and took out the cookie I was planning on eating after lunch. Even though I no longer felt like eating , the moment it touched my lips , it reminded me just how much I had been looking forward to it.
“The moment Roseanne saw the cookie , she screamed ,’Hey! I want that cookie! Give it to me! Now! Or you’re gonna be a pancake!’
“I shook my head , the sweat continuing to pour down my face. It was my favorite kind of cookie. Peanut butter with almonds. I brought one to work every day. I looked forward to it. It was the best part of my lunch. No one was getting my cookie , not even Roseanne. And if she didn’t like it , she could sit on me if she wanted to. I didn’t care. It was worth it.
” ‘No ,’ I managed to croak , probably sounding like Kermit the frog.
” ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed.
“She hurried around the table and lifted me out of the chair by my shirt.
‘Unless you wanna be a pancake!’ she screamed ,’You better give me that cookie!’
“I shook my head again , the cookie hovering near my lips. I could smell the sweet aroma. I could taste the crumbs on my lips. I really wanted that cookie. But Roseanne wanted it more.
“She leaned her face into mine , trying to get the cookie into her mouth , sticking her tongue out , and as she did so , I quickly shoved it into my mouth and chewed it as fast as I could. I almost choked on it. But I managed to swallow it.
“Still leaning forward , her eyes widened. ‘That was a big mistake!’ she screamed. ‘You’re about to become a pancake!’
“She continued leaning forward , until her weight was too much for me to bear. I fell backward , and she landed on top of me , all five hundred pounds of her. God , it was like Shamu had jumped out of his tank at Sea World , and landed on me!  My eyes popped out of my skull , and all of the air rushed from my lungs like a deflated balloon , which is exactly how I felt.
“I could barely utter a sound. All I could manage was a strangled cry. My face was turning blue. Roseanne stared down at me , with that crap eating grin , laughing and farting. God , if her weight didn’t kill me , the smell alone certainly would!
” ‘Are you gonna give me your cookie next time?!’ she screamed.
” ‘Yes!’ I croaked again , this time certain that I sounded like Kermit the frog.
“She finally got off me. I lay there a minute or two , getting the air back into my lungs. I was afraid that she might kill me. I was deathly terrified that I would end up like the chair : every bone in my body shattered into a million pieces. I was alright though , thank God! I had no broken bones — even though it felt like it — but I sure had the wind knocked out of me.”

“One day , during the first season , ” John said , “We threw a party for Laurie Metcalf , who played Roseanne’s sister on the show. Her birthday was coming up , and we wanted to surprise her with a cake and some gifts. Everyone had been invited except Roseanne. We knew that if she had been invited to the party , she would ruin it.  So , we tried to be as quiet as we could , so she wouldn’t hear us. But , before Lori could open the first gift , Roseanne comes storming onto the set , bitching about not being invited to the party. I don’t know how she found out about it. We were as quiet as we could be. I think it was because she could smell the food. Whenever  someone in the studio had food , Roseanne would always come sniffing around like a dog.
” ‘How dare you not invite me to the party!’ she screamed. ‘I oughta sit on all of you for this!’
“She didn’t though. Instead ,  she  snatched the first gift out of Lori’s hands , and tore it open ,  screaming , ‘Gee! Thanks everybody!’ But when she saw what it was , she screamed again. It was a shirt , way too small for Roseanne to fit into. Lori was a small , and Roseanne was like a 10 x extra-large.
” ‘Hey!’ she screamed. ‘I can’t use this!’
“Then she tore open all the other gifts. All of them were clothes , and all of them a hundred times to small for Roseanne.
” ‘I can’t use any of these!’ she screamed. ‘Someone’s about to become a pancake!’
“Next , she gobbled up the cookies , and candy , devouring everything in just a matter of seconds. Then she grabbed the cake and buried her face in it  , as if she were in a pie eating contest , and devoured it , also in a matter of seconds. When she was finished with cake , she sat on all of the balloons , one at a time , making pancakes out of each one. Last , but certainly not least , she sat on Lori , making a pancake out of her.
“The moment her big butt made contact with Lori , she ripped out a huge fart.
” ‘That’ll teach ya not to invite me to a party , next time!’ she screamed.
“We all watched in shock as Roseanne ruined the party.  God , we hated her. We wanted to tell her just what we all thought of her , but none of could find the courage to stand up to her. Not just because she was our boss , and the star of the show , but because she was stronger than all of us put together. She could easily pick any of us up like a rag doll , and tear us in half if she wanted to.  But what terrified us the most , was getting sat on and being made into pancakes.”

“During the second season , ” said Sara , “Roseanne hired Tom Arnold as a writer for the show.  And it was clear from the start , that she liked him , because a year later , they were married.  He had no idea what she was like when she hired him. If he had known , he would have refused to work for her , and he certainly never would have married her.
“He saw with his own eyes what she was like.  He’d seen her sit on people who upset her , and didn’t do what she told them to. She had even sat on him once , because he had a hamburger one day , at lunch , and wouldn’t give it to her. This was before he knew she liked to sit on people. And that was the first time she sat on him.
“Nobody in their right mind would ever marry Roseanne , and she knew it. Not because she was fat , but because she was a bitch , a glutton , and a slob. No one could be happy with a person like that. Unless they were an idiot.  And Tom Arnold certainly was no idiot , even though he played one on the show.  So , when Roseanne told him that they were getting married — yes , she actually told him! — he had the balls to refuse. And that wasn’t a smart thing to do. Telling Roseanne no , was like a death sentence. If you didn’t want to be made into a pancake , you didn’t say no to her. “When he said no , she blew her top. ‘What did you say?!’ she screamed. ‘You better think about it! You have two choices! You can say yes , or become a pancake! Which is it?!’
“Tom had no choice but to say yes.  Roseanne had sat on him once  , and he didn’t want her sitting on him again.  He hated her , too.  He wanted to tell her how much he despised her , but if he did , Roseanne would have made a pancake out of him again.”

“One day , not long after they were married ,” Sara continued , “Roseanne was having breakfast with Tom’s daughter.  She was eating a pancake. Roseanne had already gobbled her pancakes down in a matter of seconds. So , she sat there watching the girl while she ate , making her feel uncomfortable.
“Roseanne couldn’t stand it when someone around her had food. Whenever she smelled food , she would come sniffing around like a dog. And she always got it , too. If someone had food , and Roseanne wanted it , it was wise to give it to her , because if they didn’t , she would make a pancake out of them. And everyone knew that she liked making pancakes out of people , just as much as she liked eating them.
“As Roseanne watched the girl eat , she hungrily licked her chops like a dog does when it watches you eat. She really wanted that pancake.
” ‘Hey Kid!’ she screamed. ‘I want that pancake! Give it to me! Now! Or I’m gonna make a pancake outta you!’
“The girl was terrified. She’d heard all the stories that Roseanne liked sitting on people who upset her , so she had to give up her pancake , which Roseanne gobbled up in seconds.
“Tom also had a Rottweiler named Butch , who was very protective of his daughter.  He was a big , mean looking dog , but Roseanne was ten times bigger and meaner. When he saw Roseanne stealing the girl’s pancake  , he growled at her.
” ‘What are you growlin’ at?!’ she screamed.
“Butch must have thought twice about  challenging Roseanne. With a whimper , he tried to run to the corner where his dog dish was. But Roseanne was too quick for him. She grabbed him by his collar , threw him on the ground as if he were a Toy Poodle … and squashed  him. Then she got down on the floor   and gobbled up his food  , too , right out of the dog dish , can you believe that?!
” ‘That’s for growlin’ at me!’ she screamed. Then she belched , and let out a humongous fart.
“Poor old Butch was never the same after Roseanne sat on him. She broke one of his legs , and he walked with a permanent limp.
“When Tom found out about it , he was furious. He told Roseanne to get out. He knew he could get sat on again , but he wasn’t going to let Roseanne intimidate him anymore … and that was a big mistake. No one told Roseanne what to do. She was the one who told everyone else what to do.
“Once again , she blew her top. ‘You’re about to become a pancake!’ she screamed.
“Tom tried to run , but Roseanne grabbed him by the back of his shirt , threw him on the floor , and pounced on him. ‘That’s for telling me to get out!’ she screamed , still sitting on him. Then she let out a huge , gigantic fart , and laughed.
“Tom was Ok.  He didn’t have any broken bones , or anything , but he sure had the wind knocked out of him , and as soon as he could , he had their marriage annulled.”

Roseanne The Star

“One day we were taping an episode that was to be the Thanksgiving special ,” said Sara. “The show was a huge success , and Roseanne was a huge star , if you know what I mean. The audience was packed , and eager to see Roseanne. I remember looking out from backstage , and thinking , if these people knew what Roseanne was really like , they wouldn’t be here. Earlier , when we’d been rehearsing the scenes , we’d had to put up with her royal grossness again and again.  She was drunk as usual. Most of the time she would do all her drinking before taping , and be at least moderately sober.  But not this time. Thanksgiving was just a week away , and she wanted to celebrate.
“We had to watch her pick her nose , and scream for tissues , as she examined her finger each and every time. When we did the Thanksgiving dinner scene , you can imagine what she did then.  That’s right , she farted again and again and again , making us all wish we had never come to work that day. Not only were we annoyed and grossed out. So was the director , and everyone else. The stage hands once again had to set the huge fans up , but , as always , the stink took forever to dissipate. Thank God , it finally went away.”

Said John ,”The audience couldn’t wait to see Roseanne. She was a big star. She was the reason they were there. They were there every day for the last two years , chanting her name before every episode was taped. They had no ide what she was like. They had no idea that she liked to sit on people who upset her. They had no idea what a bitch , a glutton , and a slob she was. To them , she was a wonderful person , a big star! That was how the celebrity magazines and TV shows portrayed her.  They didn’t see her the way we did. She had us all terrified. If any of us tried to tell anyone what we knew about her , she would find out about it. Not only would we get fired , but we would get sued. And for good measure , we would get sat on.  And nothing was more terrifying than being sat on by Roseanne. Being fired and sued , paled in comparison.”

Sara : “Everyone cheered when Roseanne was introduced. She was always introduced as the star of the show , probably because she paid them to.  She was not only a bitch , a glutton , and a slob , but she was vain , as well. She not only thought of herself as a star , but she thought of herself as the Biggest Star In Hollywood.  There were times when she came to work wearing sun glasses , and a fur coat that was like five times too small for her.  I don’t know how she managed to fit into it , but she looked ridiculous. She never wore it on stage , when they introduced her. If she had , I think everybody would have laughed.
“Looking out at the audience , Roseanne screamed ,’Thanks for comin’ everybody! Today , we’re shootin’ our Thanksgiving Day special! I hope you like it!’
“She tried to bow , but she was so drunk  , she almost fell over. The audience snickered nervously , probably wondering if it was staged or not.  They didn’t know she was drunk. But we knew , and we all silently prayed that she wouldn’t ruin the show , like she ruined everything else. But when it came to Roseanne , we knew that hoping and praying didn’t do any good. She did whatever she wanted to do , and if anyone didn’t like it , they could get sat on.”

She continued , “We were able to get through the first half hour  , without Roseanne embarrassing us. The director kept bringing her cups of coffee , during breaks , and she actually drank a couple , and sobered up a little.  I was beginning to think that maybe we could finish taping the special without any embarrassing incidents. But when he tried to give her a third cup , that’s where  my wishful thinking took a nose dive into the toilet.
” ‘I don’t want anymore coffee!’ she screamed. ‘I’ve had enough coffee! Somebody get me another beer! Now!  Or so help me God , someone is about to become  a pancake!’
“Michael  Fishman , who played D.J. on the show , volunteered to run to her dressing room , to get her a beer.  He’d been one of the first to get sat on , because he was even more of a smart mouth than I was , and after Roseanne sat on him the first and only time , she hadn’t  broken any of his bones , but she had broken his spirit.  He was more terrified of her than the rest of us were.
“When he came back a minute later , he had a whole six – pack.  She snatched a beer out of his hands , tore off the cap with her teeth , and guzzled it down in seconds. Then she let out a humongous belch.
“We did the Thanksgiving dinner scene next , and that’s when everything went into the toilet … literally.
“The table was overflowing with food. Everything you would expect for Thanksgiving. But not pancakes. There were huge stacks of them. I don’t know who’s idea it was to include them , but I knew it couldn’t be a good thing. Eating anything around Roseanne was a bad idea , but pancakes even more so. Because we all knew she liked eating them , just as much as she liked making  pancakes out of people who upset her.
“Earlier , when  we’d rehearsed the scene , Roseanne had barely been able to contain herself. She had actually exercised some self-restraint. But when we began taping it  , Roseanne’s self-control flew right out the window.
“When she saw the pancakes , her eyes widened with joy , and slobber dribbled down her chin. ‘Nobody touches these pancakes!’ she screamed. ‘They’re all mine!’
“The audience laughed , thinking it was part of the show , but it wasn’t. Roseanne was just being her normal self :  a glutton.
“She tore a leg off the turkey , and shoved it in her big mouth , trimming all the meat from it in seconds , leaving nothing but the bone. Her cheeks were bulging like a squirrel with a mouth full of nuts. She barely chewed any of it , before swallowing it whole.
“Then , she poured gobs of syrup on the pancakes and gobbled them up  , all four stacks of them , one at a time. We watched in disgust as she shoveled them down her throat , like she was in a pie eating contest. She didn’t even bother using a knife and a fork. She just picked up each stack like it was one huge sandwich , and crammed it whole , down her throat.  Her mouth was smeared  and dripping with syrup.  She looked like an over grown baby after its fed itself.  When she finished the last stack , she opened another beer with her teeth , guzzled it down in seconds , and threw it on the floor , beside her chair , where it shattered to pieces.
“Then she let out a huge belch , an even louder fart , and then laughed.
“I thought the audience would laugh along with her  , but they didn’t. They were shocked. They had never seen Roseanne behave that way before. But we did. I thought she would be embarrassed to fart in front of a studio audience , but apparently I was wrong. It didn’t embarrass her to fart around us , whether she was drunk or not. Why would an audience full of people be any different? Roseanne was a slob , and didn’t care who knew it.
” ‘Who wants turkey?!’ she screamed.
“No one raised their hand , or said anything.  Because we all knew she wasn’t about to share any of it. But what happened next , shocked me more than all of her disgusting behavior.  Roseanne snatched up the turkey , shoved a hand up its hole , removed the stuffing , and gobbled it right out of her hand.
“That wasn’t what shocked me , though.  I’d seen her do worse things. What shocked me , was that she actually shared some of the turkey  — in her own disgusting way.  I thought she would gobble it all down in seconds , like she did with the pancakes , and the stuffing. She tore off chunks of the turkey  , and plopped them down on each of our plates.  Then she did the same with handfuls of the extra stuffing.
“None of us wanted to eat the slop that was on our plates ,  because we knew where her fingers had been. Up her nostrils , and only God knew where else.
“The audience was even more shocked by her behavior than we were. As she had devoured the pancakes , and stuck her hand up the turkeys butt , I heard people screaming Oh my God , and making retching noises.  It would have been funny , if it hadn’t been so bizarre. But no one laughed.  No one thought it was funny. And  it didn’t bother Roseanne in the least if people thought she was a slob. She didn’t care who knew it.
” ‘Happy Thanksgiving , everybody!’ she screamed , tore open another bear , downed it in seconds , and smashed it beside her chair , with the other one. Then she let out another huge belch , and an even louder fart than the last one.  As she went to sit down in her chair — which had a wide bottom , because she was afraid her rear end might get stuck again — it crumbled to pieces under her huge butt. And I mean pieces. It turned to dust. There was nothing left of that poor chair. It just disintegrated. The second her butt hit the floor , she let loose with another humongous fart. It was the loudest one so far , and even though the audience was as disgusted and shocked as we were , this time they did laugh. Some people were laughing so hard , they were actually rolling in the aisles.
“Roseanne didn’t find any of it amusing. It was the second chair she had destroyed. Once again , she flipped her lid.
‘Whoever put this chair here , is about to become a pancake!’ she screamed. She was the one who had put the chair there , and as much as all of us would have liked it , she couldn’t sit on herself.
“Even though she weighed five hundred pounds , she was as nimble as a cat.  She leaped to her feet as quick as if she were sitting on a spring. She glared at the audience. ‘What are you people laughin’ at?!’ she screamed. I thought they would all shut up when she screamed at them , but they laughed even harder. Some people were laughing so hard , they were crying.
“Roseanne made a threatening move toward the audience.  She got only a few steps , and then her eyes widened , and she started sniffing like a dog does when it smells food on the wind. I looked into the audience , and saw a little kid with an enormous ice cream cone. He must have been eight or nine. He was the only one who wasn’t laughing.  He was eating his ice cream cone with slow , deliberate licks. When Roseanne spotted him , she screamed ,’Hey Kid! Don’t you know you’re not supposed to have food in the studio?!’
“That wasn’t exactly true. Roseanne just didn’t like it whenever someone around her had food. When she started screaming at the kid , everyone stopped laughing.
‘I want that Ice cream cone Kid! Give it to me! Now! Or I’m gonna make a pancake outta you!’
“The kid stopped licking his ice cream cone , and looked at the chair that Roseanne had pulverized. He seemed to be considering whether he should give up his ice cream cone or not. He looked at her and the chair several times. Then he slowly resumed licking his ice cream cone. I guess he decided that it was all a part of the show. Poor kid , I thought , Roseanne’s going to make a pancake out of him.
” ‘I’ll give you one more chance , kid!’ she screamed. ‘Ice cream cone , or pancake! Which is it?!’
“The kid didn’t say anything. He just kept licking his ice cream , slow and deliberate , practically asking Roseanne to make a pancake out of him. It was clear how much he wanted it , but Roseanne wanted it more. And when Roseanne wanted something , it was wise to give it to her.
” ‘Alright , kid!’ she screamed. ‘I warned you! Now I’m gonna make a pancake outta you!’
“Roseanne started toward the kid , screaming pancake over and over. The moment she began bearing down on him like a Sherman tank , the kid’s expression changed from contentment , to shock and surprise. It wasn’t staged , after all. Roseanne was actually going to squash him , and he knew it. The audience knew it too. Like rats deserting a sinking ship , people panicked , and began scrambling over each other to get out of Roseanne’s way.
“She charged the kid like a raging bull , ripping up seats to get to him , all the while screaming pancake. Everyone around the kid had somehow managed to get out of her way without anyone getting trampled on , by others , or by Roseanne. The entire audience had somehow managed to gather at one side of the stage , where they stood watching in shock. Some were screaming for him to run , but the kid just sat there , frozen in terror in his seat , staring  at Roseanne. He was crying now. Strings of snot dripped from his nose. The poor kid was doomed. In a matter of seconds , he would be a pancake.
“Ripping out the last seat and tossing it aside , as if it were a toy , Roseanne screamed , ‘You should have given me that ice cream cone , Kid! Now you’re gonna be a pancake!’
“The kid made a feeble attempt to offer the cone to her , his entire face quivering as he sobbed. But Roseanne ignored the gesture. Screaming pancake , she launched herself at him , and … splat!  The moment she threw herself on top of him , I wanted to cover my eyes. I had never seen her sit on anyone before.  It was horrifying.  Then she picked up what was left of the ice cream cone and gobbled it down in seconds.
“After licking her fingers , she sniffed around for more food , and screamed , ‘I’m still hungry!’ Then she belched enormously , and let out a humongous fart.
“The kid wasn’t moving. I knew right then that something was wrong. It was obvious he was dead.  Of all the people that Roseanne had sat on , she had never killed anybody. But this time , she had gone too far.  She had made a permanent  pancake out of him. Not only had she made a pancake out of the kid , but the seat he had been sitting in. It was completely pulverized , like the other two chairs she had destroyed.
“After the kid had been permanently ground into his  seat , someone finally called the police. Roseanne was arrested , put in handcuffs that barely fit around her wrists , all the while screaming that she was innocent , that one of us had killed the kid and framed her.
“They had to scrape the poor kid from his seat. There was practically nothing left of him. Roseanne had sat on him without realizing the consequences of her actions , and after doing so , had showed no remorse. She kept screaming that she was innocent. She was sentenced to only three months in a sanitarium for rich people , instead of spending time in a real jail ,  where she belonged. Obviously , she had paid her attorneys to keep her out. “We all hated her , and were glad that she was gone , even if it was for just a few months. During that time , we didn’t have to put up with her grossness anymore. We didn’t have to listen to her scream , or watch her pick her nose. We didn’t have to listen to her gross farting noises , or see her disgusting messes all over the place. But most important of all , we didn’t have to live with the constant fear of getting sat on. “One day , we were all called back to the studio.  At the time  , we had no idea that Roseanne had only spent three months in a sanitarium. We all believed that she had gone to jail. We thought the show would be cancelled. None of us wanted to continue doing it after what Roseanne had done to that poor kid. But we couldn’t just up and quit. So , after three long , blissfully quiet months , when I heard Roseanne’s loud mouth screaming ,’I’m back! Who wants to get sat on first?!’ I thought , please God , not again!

#farts, #john-goodman, #roseanne, #sarah-gilbert, #voice