The Ballad Of The Buttz , Fartzbillies

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies …

Come listen to my story about a man named Buttz , a drunken old skunk everybody called Putz ,
one fine day he was drinkin’ like a fish , when out from the woods come a grinnin’ old witch … granny Fartz , that is , one toothless , stinky old hag.
Now the next thing you know old Buttz has been skunked , he stank so bad he fell into a funk ,
the kinfolk said , ‘Putz , get away from me!’ said ‘The outhouse is where you oughta be!’ so they chased him all the way from Tennessee to Beverly … Hills , that is , cesspools , porno stars.

 

Advertisements

Tales Of Santa , Rudolph , And The Legend Of The Boogermeister , Part 1/ Not So Jolly Old Saint Nick

    Everyone is familiar with the legend of Santa Claus. Once a year , on Christmas Eve , he delivers toys and goodies to good little boys and girls all over the world , and leaves clumps of coal for those who are not so good. But there is another legend that no one knows about , and that’s the legend of The Boogermeister. He is actually the one who  leaves the clumps of coal for the bad children. Dr. Seuss got his inspiration for How The Grinch Stole Christmas , from the legend of The Boogermeister. This bit of information , was briefly mentioned in his memoirs , but has never been substantiated. The Boogermeister , who is an elf , received his name during a series of unfortunate childhood events that , fortunately , turned out to be hilariously funny. Recently , I ran into a childhood acquaintance of The Boogermeister ,  who told me some very interesting stories about Santa  , Rudolph ,  and the legend of The Boogermeister.

Tales Of Santa ,  Rudolph ,  And The Legend Of The Boogermeister ,  With Reb ( formerly Known As “The Rube” )  Roig

   ” It’s true , I did have a reputation for being a bit of a dunce. Ok , a great big dunce. But not anymore.  That was then , this is now. Then , I definitely was a bumpkin , a clod , a dunce , a moron , a dork , an idiot , and every other word associated with a genuinely stupid person.  At least that was how I felt. The other kids wouldn’t let me forget it. They called me all of those names , and names I won’t bother repeating.  I was bullied almost from the moment I could talk. I had huge , buck teeth , like a beaver , and I spoke with a lisp , which made it even worse.”

    We shared a back booth at a local bar and grilled , called The Gold Fish Bowl. He guzzled bottle after bottle of Black Moose beer. He was clearly drunk , and had been long before I’d gotten there , but never once slurred his words. His cheeks , and ears were bright red. I wasn’t sure if it was natural , from the dry weather , or because of all the alcohol he had consumed.
He belched and passed wind frequently , causing myself and many of the nearby patrons to regard him with disgust , but he either didn’t notice , or even care. Perhaps both.
“I also had ears that were three times as big as my head. They tormented me non stop about that , too. They called me Dumbo , Floppo ,  Rabbit Ears . and Moose ears. I got my ears flicked so many times , I lost count. One kid in particular , thought it was so funny , that he would sometimes chase me around the schoolyard , shouting , ‘Silly rabbit , tricks are for kids!’ and , ‘Hey Goober can I play with those moose antlers?  while the other kids laughed and pointed. It was his favorite way to torment me. Apparently , he couldn’t get through a single day without getting his daily fix of flicking my ears at least once.

“When they weren’t focusing on my ears , they were tormenting me in the usual ways kids these days torment the weaker kids. By sitting on me and slapping my face repeatedly , tripping me up when I walked by , and taping kick me  signs to my back , or ones accusing me of being a dork , a moron , or some other humiliating word. It went on for weeks. I went to the teacher to complain one day , but that only made it worse. My tormentors denied everything. Not only that , they covered for each other when they were questioned separately to determine if they were lying. In the end , the teacher couldn’t do anything about it , because no one dared to come forward and back me up. They knew they would be bullied if they did.

“The bullying got worse. Now they did things they had not done to me before. Now they were rubbing my face in mud , making me eat dirt , grass , bugs , you name , they forced me to eat it. I got swirlies almost on a daily basis. Once , they glued my ass to a toilet seat , and another time they duct taped me to the girls’ restroom door with a sign taped to me announcing that I used feminine disposable products.

“Thank God it didn’t last too long. Eventually , they found something else to focus their attention on. Not that I didn’t get picked on anymore. I did. Just not as much. Maybe two or three times a week. But they were no longer taping me to bathroom doors with embarrassing signs , or giving me swirlies on a daily basis. And for that , I was grateful.”

                    Not So Jolly Old St. Nick

“Much of their attention was now on the Big Guy himself , Santa Claus , or as I sometimes referred to him , St. Prick. I called him St. Prick for several reasons. First of all , he was a pompous wind bag , who liked to think he was right about everything , all the time. Whether it was politics , sports , religion , whatever. His  views and opinions were the right ones , and anyone who disagreed with him , were poop heads. That was his favorite insult aimed at anyone who disagreed with him.
“His religious and political views were pretty extreme. He opposed pornography – like any squeaky clean conservative would – or so he claimed , but everyone knew that was a lie , because he was always down loading porn off the internet. And he subscribed to enough porno magazines to make Bob Guccioni blush in embarrassment in his grave. He was a prude in name only , just to fool the Missus , who really was a prude. But it wasn’t long before she found out that he was pulling the wool over her eyes. And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
“He was also a booze hound. Whiskey was his choice of poison. He rarely touched anything else. He guzzled it like it was water. He loved it so much , I believe he would have been happy if someone had stuck a spout down his throat , and just poured the booze in.  And even though he guzzled in private , so the Missus wouldn’t catch him , it didn’t matter , because he always reeked of alcohol. She let him get away with it most of the time , because she was known on more than occasion to indulge , herself.
“He also considered himself a cigar aficionado. But the truth is , he couldn’t tell a Cuban from a cheap stogie. Oh , he smoked quite a few Cubans , but when it came to taste , he really couldn’t tell , or didn’t care , if he was smoking a real Cuban , or a rug. When he wasn’t pouring booze down his throat , I think he just liked having something in his mouth , no matter what it was , or what it tasted like.

   “When it came to porn , his favorite sites , were Chunky Chicks , and Mammoth Mellons. The old prick always was a big boob lover.  His favorite mags were Huge Jugs , and Xtra Large Hooters. But he subscribed  to tons of skin magazines  , because he was a pervert , and a dirty old man. He kept stacks of them hidden all over the place , so the missus wouldn’t find them and blow her top. ( She tolerated alcohol , but she put her foot down when it came to porn ). At the back of the closet , under loose floor boards , behind the wood pile next to the fire-place , out back , behind the wood pile next to the wood shack , the wood shack itself , and even the outhouse for God sake! No place was off-limits , just as long , as the Missus never looked. They were all good hiding places , because the missus never looked in any of them for any reason , and she certainly didn’t use the outhouse. She was too much of a lady for that. They both had their own private bathroom in their suite. The Old Prick was the only one who used the outhouse , mostly so he could look at his stash , pour booze down his throat , and diddle himself at the same time. God knows he wasn’t getting any from the Missus.

    “One day , Mrs. Claus’s personal maid , found one of his stashes. She was cleaning their suite when she stumbled over a loose floor board. The old prick had been slobbering over them the night before when everyone else had been asleep , and apparently had forgotten to secure the board firmly into place , after putting them back. She debated going to the Missus ,  telling her what she had found. She thought it was kind of creepy. How could Santa Claus be such a dirty minded pervert? He was supposed to be a role model for kids , wasn’t he? But , nonetheless ,  she didn’t want to get him into trouble. However , as she was hunkered over the hidey place , Mrs. Clause walked casually into the room in her stockinged feet , so quietly that the maid didn’t notice. When she saw what the girl had been looking at , she let out a scream that raised the dead , and not to mention , the roof off the building. The maid let out her own scream , and nearly fainted.

    “The entire village heard the Missus scream. It was a scream of rage , and betrayal. The maid clutched her heart , looking up at the Missus with eyes that were bulging from their sockets.  “Good lord , ma’am! You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

    “Ignoring the startled girl , the Missus shouted , ‘Where is he?! I’m going to kill that son of a bitch when I find him. He better hope I don’t!’

     “It wasn’t hard to figure out where he was. Not when you consider what his very favorite thing to do was. He wasn’t in their private bathroom. He wasn’t in a closet , where he sometimes hid from the Missus , not just to drink and diddle himself , but to sometimes just get away from all the nagging. And he wasn’t in the work shop , which is where he should have been , considering what time of year it was.
“That’s right. You guessed it. He was in the outhouse , slurping a bottle of his favorite whiskey , and diddling himself over his stash of girly magazines. A couple of the kids who had bullied me , were watching him through a peep-hole on the side of the outhouse. They had known about his clandestine activities for some time , after one of them had spied him beside the wood pile , with the stash he kept hidden there. When they heard the Missus scream , they thought they had been discovered as peeping toms. One of them released an expletive , and the two of them ran off like  frightened deer. The Old Prick also heard her scream , and he also heard the expletive , and the two running off through the snow , and he knew that someone had been spying on him. But that was the least of his worries , at least for the time being. Right now , he had an even bigger problem. When the Missus screamed , he knew it could mean only one thing. She must have found one of his stashes! He knew she would be looking for him , and when she found him , there was no telling what she might do to him. She might kill him and bury his body in the snow beside the wood pile. She might scratch him to death with her ruby-red finger nails , or claw his eyes out. The latter seemed more likely. That would teach the old pervert to look at porn!
“He knew that she would eventually find him. But the outhouse was his best bet. She never visited it. It always reeked after he exited it , which is why the Missus never used it. His best bet was to just stay put until she cooled off. If she did find him hiding there , the stench would most likely drive her away.
“It didn’t take long for her to discover where he was hiding. First , she looked in all of the other places he normally coward in , when attempting to avoid her. Then , somehow , magically , without making a sound tramping through the snow , as if she were a light-footed deer – which she wasn’t by any means , she was nearly as big as he was – she threw open the outhouse door , grimaced at the unspeakable stench , grabbed him by an ear with those ruby-red fingernails , that were just as long and sharp as a hawks talons , and without bothering to wait for him to pull up his trousers , dragged him through the snow and back to the lodge with his pants around his ankles , stumbling every step of the way. And as she dragged him through the snow , he farted explosively , and repeatedly.
” ‘Are you happy , you old pervert!’ the Missus screamed at him , having to raise her voice above the sound of his  wind , which was nearly deafening in the stillness. ‘Sarah found one of your disgusting porn collections! I want to know where you’re hiding the rest of it , and then I’m going to burn it! Is that understood?’
” ‘Yes dear!’ he mumbled , still farting. His face was redder than it normally was. He knew it wouldn’t be long before everyone in the entire village knew that he was a pervert , and be laughing at him behind his back. He wished he could find a hole to crawl into and hide. But he knew it was nothing more than wishful thinking. God knew he would never hear the end of it. In fact , some joker thought it would be funny to change some of the lyrics to Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. Whoever was responsible , printed it out and plastered it all over the place just to embarrass him. And I have to admit , it was pretty funny. But the Old Prick wasn’t laughing. He couldn’t crawl into a hole fast enough to avoid the embarrassment :
“You better watch out , you better not cry , you better not pout I’m telling you why .
’cause Santa is one big booze hound ,
“He’s snorting his booze , he’s looking at porn , don’t you know he’s a disgusting old pervert ,
Santa Claus is coming to town ,
“He sees you when you masturbate and when you pick your nose ,
he even hears you when you fart , so you better not fart for goodness sake ,
“You better not pick or masturbate , and you better not fart for goodness sake ,
Santa Claus is coming’ to town! Yeah!
“So you better make sure you don’t beat your meat , pick your nose , crotch , belch , fart , guzzle booze , and
look at porn ( only Santa can do all that ) , or your pecker will fall off.”

#boogermeister, #rudolph, #santa

Everybody Hates Raymond

In 1996 , CBS debuted Everybody Loves Raymond , a sitcom about a hapless Joe named Ray Barone. Ray is the kind of guy who shirks most of his responsibilities , such as helping out around the house , and helping with the kids. He would rather spend his time being a couch potato , playing golf , and hanging out with his buddies at Nemo’s.

Not only is he irresponsible , but he’s also insensitive to his wife’s feelings , as he demonstrates in every episode , which is one of the reasons they argue. The other is his lack of responsibility.

The series is based loosely on the comedy of Ray Romano , and  some of his relatives. It was highly successful in the ratings and ran for nine seasons , but was cancelled in 2005. It also starred Brad Garrett , as Ray’s older brother , Robert , who is jealous , and constantly whines about him being the favored one. The elder Barones are portrayed by Doris Roberts , as Marie , and Peter Boyle , as Frank.  Marie constantly pampers Ray , which is the source of Robert’s resentment , and is always arguing with Frank , who insults her at every opportunity , much of it having to do with their marriage. Ray’s wife , Debra , is portrayed by Patricia Heaton. In every episode , Ray manages to say , or do something stupid , and insensitive , and they wind up arguing.

After the series ended , one of the producers , Lisa Jackson , published a book about the cast and their experiences working together. The book , titled , Everybody Hates Raymond , was a tell all that left virtually nothing to the imagination.

According to Jackson , the entire cast , with the exception of the children, were exactly like their characters on the show.

From the book : “They were like clones of their characters , which is why they were chosen. Ray was a lazy , irresponsible jerkoff ; Patricia was an angry , bitchy woman ; Brad was a whiny crybaby ; Peter was a gassy , insulting bastard , and Doris believed she was God’s gift to mothers.

“This pleased Philip immensely. As long as they were the clones of their characters , they would have no trouble playing their roles. And getting into character , and staying there from beginning to end of series , was not a problem. The only problem that Philip had with these people , which wasn’t really a problem , depending on your perspective , was that they hated each other. They genuinely hated each other. They were always fighting and bickering among themselves , just like their characters on the show. They fought like cats and dogs , about anything and everything. Every day that I came to the set , I would hear voices arguing somewhere , or someone screaming at someone else. They argued and fought during rehearsal , and they argued and fought during taping.

“One of the things they fought about was Peter’s disgusting habit. He had a bad flatulence problem , and was always letting loose during rehearsal and taping. The studio stank like an out house , or a sewer. Nobody wanted to rehearse or tape , with Peter tooting all over the place. It was disgusting. We all had to wear gas masks , which made it difficult for the cast to read their lines , because Peter wouldn’t stop tooting , and laughing.
Apparently , he didn’t mind his own stench , even though it was enough to kill the devil himself , and every time Peter let loose , we wanted to kill him.

“Another thing they fought about , was Doris’s drinking. The woman was a lush , and couldn’t lay off the booze if her life depended on it. She drank like a fish. She loved any kind of alcohol , but preferred beer to anything else. She left empty cans and bottles all over the studio , including the set , and everyone’s dressing rooms – including her own.

“When she was drunk – which was most of the time – she would barge into everyone’s dressing rooms , whether they were there or not. If a room was unoccupied , she would blabber at the walls , thinking she was talking to an actual person , completely oblivious to the fact that the walls never answered her back. If they were occupied , she would challenge them to a drinking contest. Of course , no one ever took her up on her challenge. They would scream at her to get out , calling her a crazy old bitch , and slam the door in her face.

“They would lock the doors to keep her out , but it didn’t do any good. She would pick the locks , even when she when she was blind , stinking drunk , leave her cans and bottles , and leave the doors open. This went on for a while. Everyone complained to Philip numerous times. He said he would take care of it. But , of course , he did nothing. He didn’t own the studio , so there was nothing he could do. And there was no proof that Doris was the one who was littering the set and everyone’s dressing rooms with her empty containers. No one had actually seen her do it. It was their word against hers.

“Doris had other problems other than alcohol abuse. When she wasn’t barging in uninvited , challenging others to a drinking contest , she could usually be found arguing with Patricia. On the series , Pat’s character , Debra , resented the elder Barones’ always barging in unannounced , and sticking their noses where they didn’t belong , and when Doris was drinking , she sometimes forgot who she was. When she was drinking , she actually believed that she was Marie Barone , her character on the show. So , most of the time that she was plastered , she would deliberately pick fights with Patricia. She would pound on her dressing room door , or confront her in front of everyone else , accusing her of being an angry bitch who liked to bully people.

” ‘I don’t know what my Wamey sees in you!’ she screamed one day. ‘Sometimes I think you stay married to him so you can blame him for all your prolems!’

“Patricia knew she was drunk , as usual. ‘Get lost , you crazy old witch!’ she said , pushing her. Doris fell on her back and didn’t get up. In fact , she didn’t move for  a long time and Patricia was getting worried.

” ‘Oh my God! I didn’t kill the old bitch , did I?’

“She ran from the room to get help , not realizing that Doris had only fallen asleep. When she came back , she was dragging Brad along with her. By now , Doris’s mouth was hanging wide open , and she was snoring like  buzz saw. A string of saliva had dribbled down her chin , and a fly was slacking it’s thirst at it.

” ‘She doesn’t look dead to me ,’ Brad said. He shook her awake and helped her up.

” ‘What’s going on?’ she said , groggily.

” ‘Patricia thought she killed you.’

“Doris’s blood shot eyes widened. ‘Now I remember! You pushed me , you bitch!’

“She grabbed Patricia , and the two of them rolled around the room , screaming and pulling each others hair out. Brad tried to get them to stop , screaming as loud as he could , but they couldn’t hear him above their own screaming.

“A few minutes later , Ray came running into the room. ‘What’s going on here?!’ he shouted.

“Patricia and Doris stopped fighting and looked up at him. Their hands were full of chunks of each others hair , and there were several bald spots on their heads. They looked ridiculous.

” ‘You!’ Doris said.

” ‘You!’ Patricia said. ‘This is all your fault!’

” ‘My fault? What did I do?’

 ” ‘Give me a minute , and I’ll think of something!’ Patricia screamed. ‘Come here so I can kill you!’

“Brad was insanely jealous because of all the attention Ray got , both on and off the show , and on almost every episode he always said the same thing. And it didn’t matter if they wanted to kill him ; he was still jealous.

“Everybody Loves Raymond!’ he said.

#eevrybody-hates-ray, #ray-romano

Fart Whisperer , Can You Smell Us? by Jennifer Love Hewitt

   Did you know that there actually are people who hunt ghosts by the smells they emit? Yes , it’s true! They’re called Fart Whisperers. For five seasons CBS aired Ghost Whisperer , a series starring Jennifer Love Hewitt , which was based upon the true life exploits of Mary Ann Winkowski , an honest to God Fart Whisperer.

   An authorized biography of real life Fart Whisperer , Mary Ann Winkowski. The book deals mainly with Winkowski’s unusual methods of ghost hunting , recounts of incidents from her early years , and also excerpts from her two books , When Death Smells , and When Ghosts Fart , It Really , Really Stinks!

   According to Hewitt , Winkowski not only was a gifted psychic from her teenage years , but her methods of ghost hunting were very unorthodox. Her talent was not seeing the dead , but hearing them pass wind.

From the book : “She had an otherworldly talent for sniffing out otherworldly odors , much like a dog does when it sniffs around for food , or another dogs butt. One day she started hearing fart noises – and these were really loud noises – and smelling odors that reminded her of all the times that she had eaten hard-boiled eggs as a kid. These odors always occurred when she alone , and she sometimes wondered if she was smelling her own farts , even though she couldn’t remember doing it. These odors were often accompanied by laughter , which led her to believe that she might be the butt of a practical joke. But each time she investigated , she discovered that she was always alone when these smells occurred.

Then , one day at school during class , the smells returned , and this time she heard a voice that said , ‘Can you smell us?’ followed by laughter.

” ‘Whoever it is!’ she blurted out , ‘Please go away and leave me alone! I have no desire to smell your disgusting farts!’

“The whole class stared at her a moment , and then burst out laughing.”

During the opening theme of every episode , a ghostly voice can be heard , saying ,  can you hear us.

According to Hewitt , Winkowski wanted it changed to , can you smell us , since , she claimed that the dead smell worse than worse than the living. But the producers said , no stinking way!

Mistress Of The Dark

Elvira , Mistress Of The Dark

Elvira , Mistress Of The Dark

    Cassandra Peterson , better known as Elvira , Mistress Of The Dark.
Hostess of Movie Macabre throughout the eighties. Most of the films were badly produced , the acting poor , and the dialogue often worse. But Elvira with her wit , and criticism , always made it fun to watch. And watching her was even more fun.

#elvira, #mistress-of-the-dark

The Maurty Povich Show

maury+povich-300x225

Is it just me , or does anyone else think this is one of the most ridiculous shows on the boob tube? I can’t be the only one.
I like Maurty. Everybody likes Maurty. He seems like a nice enough guy. But with a show like this , he’s just asking to be made fun of.
For over ten years now , Maurty has been exciting audiences all over America with his unique brand of crappy television. The subject matter of this fine show includes such topics as , cheating spouses , transvestites , and embarrassing situations caught on video. Only those who are dense enough to watch this tasteless junk on a daily basis , could possibly find it exciting entertainment.
Recently , Maurty celebrated the shows tenth anniversary with his good buddy and favorite animal trainer , Jack Hanna , who has appeared numerous times over the years.
In a recent interview , the shows executive producer , Amy Rosenblum , revealed some things about Maurty that even his fans didn’t know.

                                                    Behind The Scenes Of The Maurty Povich Show , With Amy Rosenblum

“I’ve been the shows executive producer for the entire ten years , and I’ve loved every minute of it. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. I hope it lasts another ten years.
“I know that some people don’t like the show. They think it’s silly and ridiculous. Even I find it silly at times. Especially when Maury does one of his , I Slept With My Husbands Brother , or Who’s The Father Of My Baby? shows. But his audiences love it , no matter how ridiculous it is. The more outrageous it is , the fans love it , which is why I think it’s so popular. Maury’s not afraid to be outrageous. He knows that if he can make the show as crazy as possible , people will watch. And it’s worked for ten years.”

 Everybody Loves Maurty

“Not long after we started the show , in ninety – seven , Maury liked to dress up as different characters during rehearsal. Every episode , halfway through the first season , Maury would dress up as some of his favorite celebrities , and rehearse the show.
“The first character that Maury impersonated , was Groucho Marx , one of his all time favorites. Some of his guests would be confused , until they realized that it was Maury. The second celebrity was Ozzy Osbourne. The original Sabbath is one of his favorite bands , and Maury always thought that Ozzy was such an outrageous character.
“So , one day , Maury comes out wearing a wig , and a black tee – shirt with a white cross on it.
“The audience went crazy. He threw his hands over his head , mimicking Ozzy giving the peace sign. ‘Are you ready to rock?’ he said , in a surprisingly good English accent.
“Everybody went absolutely bananas. Most of them jumped around like baboons , chanting , ‘Maury!’
” ‘Are you ready to rock?’ he said again.
” ‘Yes!’ they screamed back. Then the stage curtains opened to reveal three guys dressed like the other guys in the band , complete with out dated clothes , and funny looking wigs.
“Without the accent , Maury said , ‘This is my band , Black Savage. We’re a Sabbath cover band. We’ve been practicing real hard for weeks , and during breaks on this show , we’ll be playing some of their material.’
“Everybody went insane. They yelled and screamed , and jumped around like monkeys in a cage at the zoo. Some got so excited , that they actually jumped all the way to the ceiling , banging their heads , knocking themselves unconscious , then falling back into the audience , and injuring others. Others had broken through , and were either dangling unconscious , or moaning in pain.
“Maury and the guys had watched it all with bemused expressions , that is , until people started getting hurt. At first it was funny watching everyone screaming and jumping like wild animals. But now it had gotten out of control. Some fools were dangling unconscious from the ceiling , and some with their legs kicking , and screaming for help , while others were lying in the audience , moaning and groaning in pain.
“Someone called the paramedics. The most seriously injured were taken to the hospital , and those with mild cuts and bruises were treated on the spot. No one died of their injuries , thank God. I knew that Maury had the wildest audiences , but I had no idea how absolutely insane they were!
“No one was more relieved than Maury was when he found out that everyone was going to be alright. I think he was worried that he might get sued. He wasn’t.”

Fun With Maurty And Jack

    “Last year , Maury celebrated the shows tenth anniversary with his close friend , Jack Hanna. Jack has been on the show about twice a year , which is always a lot of fun. And each time he comes , he features more exotic animals and insects.
“The animals he brought out for the anniversary special , were a macaw , and a pair of chimps. He brought out the macaw first. Jack whistled , and a multi – colored parrot flew out from back stage.  There was a perch next to Jack , which it was supposed to settle on , but apparently the bird had other ideas. Instead of landing on the perch , it passed over the entire audience , spraying , and dropping doody on everyone. They all howled with laughter , as the bird crop dusted them , while squawking its own laughter. There wasn’t one person that didn’t have bird pee or doody on them. No one care , though , because they were all having a good time.
“Maury and Jack were shocked and surprised by the birds behavior. But they were also amused , especially Maury. ‘I don’t know what’s the matter with him , Maury!’ Jack said. ‘He’s never behaved this way before. He must be nervous. Come here , Louie! Behave yourself!’
“But apparently , Louie didn’t want to behave himself. He made one more swoop over the audience , dropped another pay load , and squawked with laughter. Then he dive bombed Maury and Jack , squawked again , and flew back stage.
“Wiping bird doody from their faces , Jack shouted , ‘Bad Louie!’
“The audience laughed again , wiping doody from their own faces and clothes.
“Apparently , Louie wasn’t the only one that was nervous. Maury was also nervous. Every year , he looked forward Jacks visits , and the animals he brought  with him. But Maury was also more than a little apprehensive , because a lot of the animals could be potentially dangerous , and their behavior unpredictable. Case in point , the next animals that Jack brought out.
“When Jacks assistants brought out the two chimps , Buckaroo Bonzo , and Bozo The Clown , they must have sensed how nervous Maury was , because from that moment on , things went from bad … to worse.
“Buckaroo Bonzo was wearing a stupid looking Peter Weller wig , and was dressed like the actor from the movie , Buckaroo Banzai. And Bozo was dressed like his favorite clown , wearing a silly looking red wig , and a bicycle horn that he tooted incessantly. The audience howled with laughter when they saw the chimps. They looked so ridiculous. The moment they set eyes on Maury , they broke free of their handlers and made a be – line straight for him. They pounced on him , threw him on the ground , ripped of their silly looking outfits , and started rubbing doody all over him.
“The audience bellowed. Maury was laughing too , but he was also scared to death that they might hurt him. He covered his head with his arms , and wouldn’t look up the whole time the monkeys were doing their business.
” ‘Jack! Make ’em stop!’ he shouted. Jack and the handlers , attempted to grab hold of the chimps , but got pelted with doody themselves. Then Bonzo and Bozo turned to the audience , and threw doody at them , too.
“The chimps had great aim. They managed to hit every single person , either in the face , or on their clothes.
“When they were done with the audience , they ran around the set , throwing seats , ripping up furniture , and tearing apart whatever they could get their hands on.
“Maury was terrified. The moment the chimps turned their attention to the audience , he ran back stage , and would not come out until it was all over.
“Jack and his assistants chased the chimps around the set , attempting to get them to cease their rampage. It went on for almost twenty minutes. The audience was going crazy the whole time , howling with laughter , as Buckaroo Bonzo , and Bozo The Clown , completely destroyed the place.
“Finally , mercifully , it was over. It looked like a freak tornado had struck the inside of the studio. Jack and his assistants were finally able to calm the chimps enough , to get them back stage.
“Of course , none of it had been taped. Too bad , though. It would have made a great show. However , it would be a while before Jack and his kids , were invited back to the show.”

Oooops! I Did It Again! by Christina Aguilera

Britney Spears

Britney Spears

The unauthorized biography of one of pop music’s most popular icons.
How Britney Spears came up with one of her most popular CDs.
Apparently , according to Aguilera , Spears had consumed too many refried bean burritos the night before , and had uncontrollable flatulence all throughout the recording of the CD.
From the book : “It was so bad , that recording had to be stopped every few minutes so she could run to the crapper , so she wouldn’t embarrass herself in front of everyone. But everyone heard the noises anyway , because they were so loud , and every time she came out , everyone would pretend not to notice what she’d been doing.
“It took forever to complete the CD. Every time she hurried to the john , she would say ,’Oooops! Here it comes again!’
“After she came out the third time , she said ,’Hey everybody! Guess what? I just thought of a great title for my CD! Ooops! I Did It Again! Because I almost went in my panties this time!’
According to Aguilera , the following verses were omitted from the original version of the CD.
Oooops! I did it again!/I cut the Big One/’Cause I ate too much beans/Now my butt really stinks/’Cause I pass too much gas/And now it’s on fire/’Cause I like eating beans!
Originally , the song was to be about her love of refried beans , which were her favorites. She had once told Aguilera that she believed she had been a dog in a former life , and that refried beans always reminded her of dog food , which she enjoyed eating straight from the can — refried beans , not dog food.
But management urged her to change the lyrics , because they were not sure how her fans would react.
Spears also attended a recording session of Aguilera’s , passing explosive wind , and embarrassing her , which is the main reason she wrote the book.
“That wasn’t the only time she farted around me!” Aguilera complained in an interview after the book was published. “She showed up drunk , backstage , at one of my concerts , and farted the whole time!
“I was so embarrassed that I had to take her aside — holding my nose the whole time , because it stank so bad , the girl really can fart! — and told her that if she didn’t stop eating so many beans , no one would want to be around her anymore. But she just laughed and said that I sounded like Mickey Mouse , and we’re so not
friends anymore!
“So I wrote the book to embarrass her , like she embarrassed me so many times.”

#aguilera, #britney-spears, #explosive-wind, #flatulence, #refried-beans, #unauthorized-biography